Saturday, 13 April 2013

Dear Alex, The Next Step?

13th April 2013

Dear Alex,

You sleep. Kids jolt and dream and turn and kick covers off. I write.

We had our time away and something that came out of it was how much rest you need. I am glad we did it, and that we did it all of us together. But how times have changed honey...

I have come back more tired than before I went! It was a great deal of work even with a carer too. But the kids loved every second of it and so my heart lifted every day at their happy chatter and big smiling faces.

We went swimming! You came in the water too...wheeled in by the carers and a float wrapped around you under your arms, you were a mixture of the innocent delight only a child shows and calm, as you floated and felt engulfed in water for the first time in nearly 19 months...

This path is filled with various stages, phases-some that keep coming around, some I've never experienced before, some I wish would never rear their heads again. These feelings at the moment I have are mixed. I've been living very day-by-day, sometimes hour-by-hour just to get through, but I feel now I need to think about us as a family and our future. How am I going to provide for this family of ours? Forever?! Now, very much going it alone, in the sense that you cannot advise, decide, help, support... I feel the weight of responsibility and almost a crossroads as I decide what to do next for the family's well being as a whole. It's all been about you for the last 19 months, but things have altered, you are not making progress quickly or changing greatly. We are on a very long path now of tiny changes and minuscule progress.

I'm unable to think emotionally, I'm numb again, I think not of the implications of you being this way forever, but I feel it creeping up on me like poison ivy, reeling and winding its way around my thoughts and my heart, it'll choke me at some point...

Because how can it be I'm never going to get you back how you were before? How will I ever be able to really confront that?

But I think I see our future more clearly now, and I don't see it being vastly different to the way we are living now.

So what's my next step for this family of ours?

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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