Saturday, 30 March 2013

Dear Alex, Detached.

29th March 2013

Dear Alex,

Your shouts downstairs rouse one of the kids. I gently shush them telling them 'it's just dad, back to sleep now.'

I hear the TV as the carer watches it downstairs and I type letters to you in a separate bed, a different room, in a house where you stay just 3 nights a week...and my world feels strange and I feel very detached from my life tonight.

Helping the carer get you onto the stand to wheel you into bed, you are uncooperative, uncoordinated and scream and shout, not with anger but excitement and I feel no patience, I just need you to listen but you don't ...because you can't. Somehow though that just makes these times worse. I had to get myself upstairs to bed because you wouldn't stop shouting, you were happy to see the carer that's why, but your brain couldn't get you to stop the shouting and after 15 minutes or so of not being able to clam you down and your shouts becoming louder and then one of the kids waking I thought I'd see if me not being there calmed you more quickly.

It's all quiet except the TV now.

Our kids sleep, tired out from a 3 hour bike ride I did with them before you came back today. Rosey cheeked they lay on the sofa sipping their hot chocolates, watching a film and waiting for pizza on our Friday night 'pizza DVD' night, which now you are back joining in on too. Esmie sits on your lap cuddling into you. Since you have been home at the week ends I've noticed the kids adapting, accepting you, becoming more comfortable with you. You no longer lash out and shout angrily and unnecessarily at them, for several long months each time they saw you you seemed to lash out angrily a great deal and they would approach you with trepidation and fear for a long while. Now however, you haven't behaved like this for months and everything seems to have settled for them much more.

I hope you sleep and you sleep well tonight...

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

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