18th February 2013
Unseeing eyes search their darkness. My heart melts as I watch you, holding your hand. I promised I'd stay with you till you fell asleep, you had wanted us to go to bed together, but at the moment that can't happen, so you lie in your hospital bed in our dining room for the last night before you return to the Care Home.
Family time and stories being read, clay modelling and one paints, I am in your arm that works, leaning on your chest. I close my eyes for 10 minutes to enter your world. Hearing only the place I am in. And how strange it is, I feel so much more detached, it's voices not visible tangible forms. I glance up at you, in time to catch your face crumple, eyebrows buckle under weight of not being able to see the kids around you. Of maybe being more aware and understanding more than I give you credit for. I cocoon you in my love as we both cry. Understanding with no words.
I glimpse this weekend times you 'get it' times you are you, the you from before.
And it's an emotional time like I don't expect, I watch you as you sleep and you just look like nothing has ever happened. I get palpitations and chest pain as I see the old you the you from before, from times gone but not forgotten. From times as one, times lived long and together strong.
We will be back together, hopefully soon. I just have to be with you, have to have you home. We have to be together, it's here you belong.
And the tiredness I feel utter and real as I hardly keep my eyes open typing this.
The work involved, even with a carer! As I am carer no 2 so all that the carer does, I do too. I cook for 7, clean for 7, look after you the kids the dishwasher was on 4 times a day! The washing machine blew its fuse!
But I had you. I HAD you home!
I almost saw visibly, how the environment, the atmosphere full of family and your kids and me and friends and love and comfort, almost saw it working in you healing and nourishing you. Oh baby this is where you belong.
I know you will progress more, I see your potential. See how love, how prayer heals.
I love you, see you when you wake my angel.