Saturday, 24 November 2012

Dear Alex, Decisions...



I keep finding these old pictures...a very young Monty and Lola...


24th November 2012

Dear Alex,

The good news is, there may be a house suitable, the bad news is, it’s an hour from here, we would have to start all over again…

If I am honest, I am in two minds. We could start all over again, but then to lose what we have here, the friends, the support, the church, the school. The bit of stability I have worked so hard to maintain for the kids. Haven’t they been through enough?

And if I move the family again, you would be moving home, yes, but there’s going to be a huge adaptation process, the kids will realise that having you home is going to be very consuming time wise for me. I won’t be as disposable for them as I am. My attention wont be solely for them when we are all in the house, I’ll have a lot of caring to do for you. So do I move everyone? Start all over, new schools, new friends, new area, you move back and the kids feel pushed out or find it difficult.

You have mood swings, your anger escalates and has no lid you can put on, and you shout, yell, lash out, strike anyone in your path…

And you living at home again, isn’t going to be living with the same daddy they had before.

I want you home, we will have to adapt, and we will, I’ll make sure the kids are ok, we will talk, and I’ll help them through the adjustment. But I want to do that in the safety of where we live now. The problem is, there’s no houses here for that…

So it looks like I have no choice…

I have no idea what to do. If I want you home (and I DO!!) then I am going to have to move-trouble is, I feel like it might be the straw that broke the camel’s back…

The ridiculous thing is, you have progressed so much recently! Your speech so much clearer, more lucid, you even remembered we had a new car!! AMAZING! This is SUCH progress! You retained some information, a little short-term memory! I should be revelling in this! Not allowing myself to become lost in the other stresses...

The flip side is, you call for me, all the time, you don’t understand why I cannot be there. You cry when I arrive, cry when I leave, begging me to take you home with me. You have no idea why I can’t…

All I can do is what I am doing, pushing to get you home, being with you every hour I can be…

I am going to bring you home, we just need to hold out a little longer baby…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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