Dear Alex, Acceptance-how it helps to heal...

10^th November 2012

Dear Alex,

Iridescent black crows take to the air, dozens in flight, leaving barely leafed trees. Orange, brown, dying, dark hues, time of year I find hard to enthuse.

Observing nature, you learn a lot. Their acceptance of what is to come, of what was, of what will be. No choice, they just do.

For weeks I plunged, not knowing where I was, how it became. Knowing I had to, hoping I’d tear myself through. And I plunged, I plunged deep and vast, dark, it engulfed me. And treading the water was all I could do, treading water till I was almost sunk. Gulping water, taste of salt tears of loss and pain and a man I knew and one I had lost. A life I knew, and one I have lost. Of a husband who held me, a father to our kids. Now barely keeping afloat…then a slip, a tiny slither of light. So far out of reach, so far out of sight. There nonetheless and I squint, tear, drag, to reach the end. 

Because you see, this is what it is and I am blessed and I have love.

The energy I have had since allowing myself to embrace the loss, means I start afresh, renewed, not so afraid of facing the man I feel I have lost.

And I did tear my way through…I didn’t sink, I coped with the gaping valley of pain. And now I am back, fighting for you. Since, I’ve seen changes in you. More understanding, more coherent feelings you express, some of your little ways, little looks, little idiosyncrasies of who you were rise. I catch them, I inhale them, breathe them in and back into your soul. Igniting your spirit, willing it back.

And oh, how I love you, how I am willing you back. That lip curl, that nose scrunch! Those expressions, your touch, your beautiful touch…

Your beautiful inner being, you…

Time, patience, healing, breathing, focus, refocus…and a home, for a home for us all to be…

My angel, I love you,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx