Saturday, 10 November 2012

Dear Alex, Acceptance-how it helps to heal...

10th November 2012

Dear Alex,

Iridescent black crows take to the air, dozens in flight, leaving barely leafed trees. Orange, brown, dying, dark hues, time of year I find hard to enthuse.

Observing nature, you learn a lot. Their acceptance of what is to come, of what was, of what will be. No choice, they just do.

For weeks I plunged, not knowing where I was, how it became. Knowing I had to, hoping I’d tear myself through. And I plunged, I plunged deep and vast, dark, it engulfed me. And treading the water was all I could do, treading water till I was almost sunk. Gulping water, taste of salt tears of loss and pain and a man I knew and one I had lost. A life I knew, and one I have lost. Of a husband who held me, a father to our kids. Now barely keeping afloat…then a slip, a tiny slither of light. So far out of reach, so far out of sight. There nonetheless and I squint, tear, drag, to reach the end. 

Because you see, this is what it is and I am blessed and I have love.

The energy I have had since allowing myself to embrace the loss, means I start afresh, renewed, not so afraid of facing the man I feel I have lost.

And I did tear my way through…I didn’t sink, I coped with the gaping valley of pain. And now I am back, fighting for you. Since, I’ve seen changes in you. More understanding, more coherent feelings you express, some of your little ways, little looks, little idiosyncrasies of who you were rise. I catch them, I inhale them, breathe them in and back into your soul. Igniting your spirit, willing it back.

And oh, how I love you, how I am willing you back. That lip curl, that nose scrunch! Those expressions, your touch, your beautiful touch…

Your beautiful inner being, you…

Time, patience, healing, breathing, focus, refocus…and a home, for a home for us all to be…

My angel, I love you,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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