Dear Alex, Big fat 'Bring it on' to next week...

Baby Monty, Whitby beach...

15^th July 2012

Dear Alex,

Waking up this morning was pure delight, groggy eyed, Esmie pulls at my eye lids ‘mummy…mummy! It’s time to get up, do you want porridge, mummy? Are you getting up mummy?’

I draw her up the bed sheets, scrunch her little 3-year-old love into me. And I start the morning with a big cuddle from loving kids…Gift one of the day.

Monty had been on breakfast round this morning, it was 8.10 am when Esmie woke me…I had a lie in!! They had the breakfast things out, there was more milk in the bowls than on the table, good start! Gift two…

They had chosen their outfits for church, Monty a miss-matching tracksuit, muddy school shoes, Esmie pyjama bottoms, they were staying! And a stripy top, Mitzi a dress on top of another dress and 2 cardigans, she’d put her hair in 5 ponytails, hair everywhere, beautiful! And Lola wore Esmie’s cardigan (as a short sleeved too short fashion statement) and a polka dot dress…

I sip my tea and breathe in the peace, the new day, loving kids. Bliss. Happy family; just missing one.

When I reach a place as I did yesterday, I just have to give up, hand over the emotions, the ordeal to the Most High, and trust. Trust that I am doing my best, this is at times, so impossible, that I do have to forget me and put the iron lid on the emotions and trust they are safely put away, not festering and leading to somewhere I will have no control over if they all explode out…

But I really cannot ever let them explode. This is what it is. I can only accept, and learn, and move forward.

Yes, sometimes to pick yourself up again is nigh on impossible, but when you have no choice, you really do find the strength to do what you have to do.

Yesterday became so ridiculous, that I did have to laugh, because why, after a day like I had would all those other things too go wrong?! But that’s life, they do, I am not immune from life’s little catastrophes-burning plastic in the oven, dinner falling on the floor, cat puke on clean bed sheets, just because I have something bigger to deal with. I just have to realise that the bigger thing to deal with is you, Alex, and the smaller things, well, I have to pick my battles! And party poppers in the tumble drier should make you smile (if no one’s hurt, which no one was)! it was quite good fun actually, may use it as a cheer me up prop next time!

Picking your battles, having control, accepting when things are s***, they just are, and find ways of lifting myself out of it. Like fresh cups of tea, a night when 3 out of 4 kids slept through. A morning where I slept in, beautiful souls-FOUR of them, I am blessed to nurture and be there for in their time of need. They trust me, they need me, and as a mother, that responsibility is what I accept, and therefore have to get on with.

The afternoon was spent with family, kids amused, cups of tea, school reports read. A diligent Monty who had to do his homework, and did so, I had no idea, lucky he was motivated to do it! Lola practices her handwriting, Mitzi her reading, and Esmie just does Esmie things, which, praise the lord, did not include cutting her hair off…

I have spent an hour cleaning carpets, had a shower, pyjamad up, and settled in in the warmth, dog at my feet, cats finding safe places to sleep, and I listen to music and write…and today I feel lucky, privileged for all I have, the people who surround me, time to write…my biggest form of therapy!

‘To everything, turn, turn, turn, for everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven…’

The Byrds sing and I heed their lyrics…

It’s about accepting, trusting, refocusing, and carrying on.

Today, I have done this, driven by my kids…

Tomorrow I am in first thing in the morning to see you, and a fresh day. Friday you have your first home visit…SO it’s a week to look forward to, and I feel that excitement. I can hardly contain myself at the thought you will take your shoes off in a house, the first time in over 9 months you’ll be out of a hospital…

Yesterday, I flipped, I flailed, so I knew I had to refocus, deep breath, and remount, I have, and I am going ‘bring it on!’ to next week…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx