Monday, 23 April 2012

Dear Alex, another boulder smashed, your first words!

just the three of the bugrats...



21st April 2012

Dear Alex,

Intricate patchwork colours of cows map out the route home tonight in the bulging acres of fields quilting the horizon…

A red kite soars high and majestic, searching its prey. A wonder of nature, no comparison to the mountains and eagles; which are a daily vision in France, but this is where we are now, and opening my eyes to see all the gifts around us, the blessings we have whether life is going well or we’d rather not be where we were, is not simple or as clear or obvious as the beauty of where we were blessed to live before, but in actual fact, it forces me further to keep my eyes open, watch out, search. There’s always a reward, always a blessing if we choose to dig deep enough, even in rainy England’s pastures green!

There are certain things that ingrain themselves on your soul…today was one of those moments.

The other day a couple came to see you. A man stood tall and proud by your bedside, telling you there is hope, you have to be determined, keep strong, but you would get there. This man was not someone we knew well, or would ever have met, had it not been for the circumstances. Nor was it someone who was speaking to you simply telling you ‘it’d all be alright’ based on a life lived without his own battle. It was a man who, six months ago left the very same ward you are in, who had been lying, as you are now, in the bed in the room opposite.

Since the evening he and his wife came to visit you (an amazing couple who have struggled down a very similar path to our own), since he was able to tell you, ‘you know what? I have actually been where you are now’ the hope, the change in you has been absolutely unbelievable. You have a different strength, a different determination. Not just as you did before, but one hooked into a real attainable goal. A very real goal, tangible, as he, in the flesh, stands beside your bed remembering how he felt when he was as you are now.

Every time I leave, there are tears, you grasp firmly my arm, willing me not to go. As I explain I have no choice, your sobs, my choked ‘I have no choice’ you say something, as clear as day, ‘miss you’. The ‘ss’ and the ‘y’ are not there, but the sound and effort and ‘mih ‘ou’ are unmistakable, you say it over and over. I ask you through a heart opened if ‘miss you’ is what you are saying, and you cling to me as only a new born babies hand can cling to a mummy’s finger…

I shiver and shake tonight, clasping the words to my heart. Cradling them.

This is one of the hardest things I have to do everyday, saying goodbye, 'see you tomorrow,' to you. The strangling tight rope knotted around our souls won’t let me leave, the emotion too hard to bear. Opening up the chasm of hurt, pain at missing each other, the simple request we would have- to be in the same bed at night, certain not to be for a long while…

But you spoke! It doesn’t mean, that’s it, ball rolling, you’ll be speaking in no time. But it does mean, the brain is beginning to function in the right way, gradually but determinedly repairing, re-wiring…

Baby, I miss you, the first words I have heard from you in nigh on seven months, the last and the first you have spoken to me will be etched, eternally in my being. Reaping, one day, where we have come from, they cannot fail to. This moment, this, that we were told NEVER TO EXPECT moment,  never going to happen moment, tears of joy, disbelief, purest joy…

Look where you’re going, look where you have come, keep looking and persevering and hoping and praying, and we will achieve our goal, to sleep in the same bed together once more…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

No comments:

Post a Comment