Dear Alex, realisation....

Jedi warrior, It's all about the force......!

28^th March 2012

Dear Alex,

Tears are a predominant with my visits to you at the moment. They have been gradually reducing the tranquilising medications. And I feel your adjusting to this is the cause.

Witnessing your vulnerability, your dependency on nurses/people you don’t know, seemingly now, a great deal of comprehension from your part and insight into where you are at has two effects on me. Firstly, I am obviously distraught. Distraught for you, what your situation, and the realisation of it means, the depth of distress and anxiety you show, your inability to be able to express this. Secondly, it’s a very good thing. Hear me out- you indicating this pain, anguish, as devastating as it is, as much as I want, desperately wish, yearn to demolish the pain you are in, it means you understand. And baby, this means you are fighting. I know you. I know that if 6 months ago someone had told you about this, you would have told them you’d see it through, fight eternally, to ‘get back’ to be you again…which, in turn, means you have the best chance.

The Alex I know, is the fighter, the physically, mentally strong, devoted husband and father, who would do anything to fight to be that always…and I KNOW you one day WILL be back my angel.

Your right arm reaches out, stretches out now, to hold me close. The other night when I am in with you, I lie next to you, chatting softly, we laugh and enjoy just being. Just being, and this being the ultimate joy, the ultimate pleasure, the ultimate love, something we have never experienced, maybe unless something like this occurs in life, this is never fully comprehended, embraced, appreciated. Just lying there, my arm over you, my legs over yours, my head on your chest looking up at you. You reach up your right arm, and, stretching your hand out, search and find my head, you feel my face, stroke my hair and hold my head, cupping it in your hand. ‘Oh, baby, you’ve just melted my heart’ I say, finding the overwhelming feeling, the intensity of love and gratitude to have your arm over me this way, holding me close, this simple gesture of love, I find it hard to breathe. You start to cry, and I wipe your tears, and wipe my own. You know I’d be here every second of everyday if I could…

Life is not like that, we cannot predict our beginning or our end, our hard or good times. Life is just there. All we can do is choose what we do with the time that is given to us. ‘Given', and the word ‘given’ is the key word. We all need to remember this. Not just some of the time, but ALL of the time, practising daily, hourly, every second the realisation and appreciation for all we do have, however small we believe that to be. You’ve taught me that, honey.

All the seemingly minute things you can do today, I never thought you would, we were told you never would, so with everyday, every week, every month, look what you will be able to achieve. It’s not going to be tomorrow, next week even, in the next few months, but ONE day, I believe, fighting armed with medicine, love and prayer to the Most High, these three elements, combined, will bring you back…

How I miss you, long for you, crave you, Alex.

Being held by your right arm, the feelings I am filled with by the expression of your love, in the only way you can, is incomparable to almost any other feeling I have ever experienced…

I love you, forever…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx