Dear Alex, where we lived....

Our House in France, driving by for the last time....

Where we lived....

March 5^th 2012

Dear Alex,

Where we lived, what we were doing, our life we’d spent years establishing for our family, the sea, the mountains, togetherness, normality, a companion, my soul mate, my best friend, the endless attention you gave me, being held by you, conversations, arguments, which you never ever let the sun go down on…all of this, I mourn.

last day at the bus stop in France, last day of French school....

Seeing you here and now, not knowing what to expect, when how or if ever. Doing this life now that was chosen for us, all alone, without you by my side. Seeing the grief at times in the kids’ eyes, knowing how much they just need, especially at their tender ages, their daddy with them. Your input, your presence, doing nothing or everything or anything with them.

Juggling the house, the moves, the new life,  all that entails, the kids’ illnesses, the sleepless nights, the lonely evenings, my crevice of loss without you. Just doing everyday, this has all been dragging me down. We had to quit our dream, and I am, not through choice, having to form a new life, new routine, and part of me, a big part resents it. Tired, and desperate for the life we lived before. I just have to keep on going.

On the plane, leaving France.....

And I am. And I thought this the other day, despite all this, I am carrying on, I am working out a new life here, and this IS our lot. So I have to deal with it. I spent a long time pondering on this the other day, and I realised a few things. I need to start changing my outlook. As hard as it is. And I have put some steps in place. Before I go to sleep, I lie in bed praying, cuddling your shirt, my wedding finger through your ring I carry on a chain around my neck, thanking God for the good things, what I, what WE do have. No matter how insignificant. Because that is what it is about. We have the amazing kids, we have our love, you are still here, and there must always be hope. I thank God for our food, the school, that I can go in and see you, for a house where the kids are happy, although we need to be out of here very soon, it was only temporary, but thank God we had somewhere temporary.

We may not have what we had before, but we have what we have, and I am trying to make my outlook more positive, rather than seeing everything being negative in relation to all that is going on (the very easy route) I am trying very, very hard to retrain my thinking, be appreciative for all we do have.

First day of school in England.....

I am digging deep; I even thanked God for the bird songs this morning! Rather than feeling gutted we were not witnessing the wildlife that flocked around near the mountains that we saw out of our garden every day. It’s hard, baby, it really is, but there is always worse, always people worse off, and I am determined to appreciate the life we have, accept it, and see the positives.

Lola at the camera, little old me....

After all, we are here now, we cannot change that, and yes, we do have to wait years for your recuperation, and all I can do is keep my head up, not looking down, and hope you will be mine, again one day, the kids’ daddy, again, one day. 

You slept the whole visit today, so I feel cheated! You don’t even know I went in with the kids, but still, there are going to be visits like this, and more positive ones. The road is as it is, and I cannot buck it, I have to go down it. So if I have to go down it, I am going to go down it with a positive head, and try, keep trying to not look back, but to move forward.

I know the key is to be grateful for what we do have; it takes the emphasis off that which we do not have. Therefore, I hope, the total suspension of sadness I find myself in at the moment, will not feel quite so sad.

Us........

This is my vow to you, as I know you would be telling me this were you here, or understood, or could talk to me. I am doing this for you, and for our future…

I just wish I could do it with your arms wrapped around me….

I love you my angel….

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx