Dear Alex, ‘Allée, courage’

March 13th 2012

My beautiful blue-eyed man.....

Dear Alex,

I came into see you tonight, and you were asleep. I cannot stir you, there’s no birthday smile for me, so I give up, I lie down next to you, tucking my head under your chin, placing your right arm around me, and my leg over yours…As I watch your face, you cannot tell anything has changed, you look peaceful, normal, real. It makes me expect you to yawn, wake up, smile at me and say ‘right, what are we up to for the day, angel?’ pinching my bum cheekily and me demanding a cup of tea before I do anything, you saying, ‘of course sweetheart!’…

If I could have one birthday wish, it would be to have one day with you, a normal day with you, playing with the kids, a walk, a cup of tea made by you, or one of your special coffees. Even you, just there to back me up as we trailed around together battling the bullshit of the hurdles I alone try to surmount at the moment. Just you, Alex, you and me with the kids. It’s all I would wish for.

But no one can wave a magic wand, no one can just zap it away. I cave in tonight and I cry into your T-shirt as you sleep.

I have to move very soon, I have been told you will not be in the O. C. E  for as long as I expected. The implications being that I have to look for a rental property, I am only able to have 3 bedrooms, and it has to be specially adapted for you. Now this does not even exist, and I have a time limit too. The Housing Officer tells me a) to treat it as a full time job trying to find that property (?!) and b) that I have to be open to moving farther afield, thus uprooting the kids again, changing schools and so on. I’ve just got them settled too…

This news on my birthday, plus sleepless nights with Mitzi’s oozing ears, well, and the ‘you circumstance’ and just the whole picture at the moment just literally overwhelms me, and I just need you so much. I know if you were there, you would be right there next to me, pushing me, telling me how amazing* you thought I was (*according to you only! As you used to everyday we were together) telling me I COULD do it.

This whole situation has made me soul search deeper and further and more intensely, than ever before. I wake up this morning at 5.30 with Esmie and Mitzi, and realise:

- There are people willing to give up weekends to come and visit us, evenings to babysit, half days to work with you; the kindness and selfless actions of others humbles me. they're kind enough to send messages, spend time thinking about us, praying or, like today, kind gestures- I received gifts from 'strangers'  (fellow blogging mummies, blown away), people organising things for the kids to give me, a card 'from' Alex. Taking stock of this, I, as a mother, am duty bound to our kids, who deserve to have a role model they can be proud of and a role model who is humble and grateful. Not someone to aspire to who doesn’t understand these values or practice them.

- ‘Allée , courage’ (be brave)

My French friends tell me this frequently. And this is it, having courage, not just courage to face up to this situation, and the battles that definitely do sometimes get the better of me, when I see no way out, no solutions, a hopeless and insurmountable task. It’s also having courage to rise out of this, look (dig deep) and realise when you think you’ve got nothing, you’re at rock bottom, you ALWAYS have something to be grateful for, to give thanks for. When everything’s at it’s worst, the courage to look for the good is not easy, but essential.

And I think of you and your fight you have ahead of you, and realise my fight too, and this is a fight, a battle, and in battle you have to be strong, have courage, surpass yourself to do your best and in doing so, surmount the hurdles with grace and humility by practicing gratitude…

Come on babes, you and me together- you have the hardest fight of your life where you are, and I have not the equivalent, but the hardest fight I have ever had to fight in my life too. Our love will surely get us through all this…because my God, one thing I do know is I am so in love with you.

Armour on, ‘allee courage’ and looking up baby, that’s me coming in to see you tomorrow…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx