Dear Alex....Hope is the key......
February 29th
2012
Dear Alex,
Well after breaking up
completely yesterday, the smell I told you to remind me about, yes, it was all
over a smell. I found some incense sticks I had in my suitcase, brought back
from France, and as I had not yet unpacked my case, and did this yesterday, I
stumbled across them, and lit one.
It was a smell that reminded
me of France; times we were together, happy times. Out of the blue, I was on my
knees, sobbing, wailing into a cushion.
It was totally unprompted,
and it shocked me that a smell could drag up such potent images of you and me
as we were, of France and times together, times that were which I have just had to block in order to cope, carry on....and I just cried until I was nearly
sick.
But from this, I
realised my problem, I am struggling to ‘hope’. Looking to the future at the
moment, I have so many hanging doubts, niggling Drs’ voices telling me you’ll
never be the man I once knew, never recuperate more than you have. My problem
is, that through the move, I have had to start again, without you. In a strange
place, struggling to get done all that I have to, and doing it so alone. Family
help out, babysit at times, but I have no real emotional support, as no one can
do that, they cannot tell me it’ll ‘all be alright’ as no one knows, and at the
end of the day, you were my shoulder to cry on, my support, my rock, the one
and only one I ever turned to. And now I can’t. Hope has waned dramatically for
me in the past few weeks. It is going to be difficult, but I have decided I
just have to keep that, the hope I had in France, which kept me going, kept you
going, I believe to a large extent brought you out of your coma, got you
through. I CANNOT and must not give up hoping.
I resolved myself
today and decided to hope, despite all I am going through,
all the doubts, the anxieties, the fears, I HAVE to keep that hope alive and
strong.
Being with you today
as our nephew Bert and fiancée Emily babysat, we laugh, you laugh with a noise,
you smile, you comb (well, try to) your own hair, and I make you wipe your own
dribble up with your right hand. I make you do all I can for yourself, I push
you to do it, telling you I’ve had it now, five months in bed is
way too long, I never signed up for this, get a move on at getting better, you whoos, I tell
you and your smile back at me melts me. I am so in love with you, and I just
have to have you back.
I know how long this
takes, the weeks become months, which will become years, but I know the fight
you have, and I cannot lose hope that one day I will be in your arms, in the
same bed as you again. I won’t let the doubts overtake, I will fight them
internally, and pray you come back to me.
That smell will one
day, not make me cry, but as we smell it together in OUR bedroom again, it will
make me smile, maybe cry with relief! But not weep through fear and loss and
despair, grief.
This is the hardest
thing I have ever had to do, the hardest thing you have ever had to do, the
hardest thing the kids have ever had to do, and I promise them everyday, as I explain
you may not be there in body and presence, but that the love you have always
and will always have for them is so strong and alive, that it is inside them,
helping them grow, keeping them strong, and making them believe Daddy will be
back.
I have to do this for
me too, despite.
Thank you for the
amazing time we had tonight, and I will keep the hope alive, no matter how hard
it may be at times when I see you in your current position
I love you my hero and ever strong in mind man,
Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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