|Sunday the 2nd October, 2 days before the accident...|
January 11th 2012
Today was bright, blue skies and mild. In fact it started off very well today, I am beginning to recognise my own patterns of feelings. When I am with the kids, they make me happy, I love their presence, and I am happy with them, especially now as they come in and see you, I am more reassured that they are handling this situation extraordinarily well. They are amazing with you, and you are, it is obvious, just their dad, no matter how you are, what you can do, they just see you as their dad. It gives me strength too to see how much you enjoy their presence, their company, and being as a family, even under these extreme circumstances. Whenever I am with you, I am happy too, I love just being with you. I miss you so much, that the time I have with you is precious, and I relish it.
However, when left alone, the evenings in particular, all alone, packing up the house, I feel such sadness and sorrow. The realisation of all the practicalities of a move, finding a school for the kids, a place to live, the move anyway, but especially under the circumstances, is a lot to carry alone. There are people in England helping me find a house, but I want to chose the school the kids will go to. I have been afraid lately, starting again, the knowledge that you will be an inpatient for a year to eighteen months, I know I am capable, and you are still here, but making new friends, I feel I have not the energy for this. Starting again, leaving our dream. Leaving and having to say goodbye to what we have been trying to do for our family for 5 years now is the end of an era. But for you, we have to go back. You will do so much better, you respond only really to me, your mum and dad and friends, to English especially. It’s obvious the French is tiring for you, you do not understand it all, and must feel helpless not even being able to communicate or even see to be able to create a tangible image of your surroundings and environment.
Moving back to England for us as a family is imminent, we wait for your epilepsy drugs to stabilise you, then they tell me you will be fit to travel. So the evenings for me are spent writing you your letter, then placing myself in the garage to pack boxes. The finality of it all has hit me recently. This is it…
The kids are actually looking forward to going back to ‘English’ as Esmie refers to it! And it is such a wait off my shoulders that they have accepted this. I put it to them as a new adventure, to live around our friends and family for a while (by the time they have adapted, they will not mind staying). As we have never lived around family, the kids are excited about this. A huge weight lifted, I imagined they’d be devastated, but that’s my emotion, not theirs'...
People have spoken to me about leaving our cat Bumble, for practical reasons. We have Oliver the dog and Angelica who is old and hides in cupboards, but Bumble, Monty found a scrawny little abandoned kitten two Summers ago. He’s adventurous and very cuddly. I cannot do this, not to Bumble, or the kids, or me. We are already leaving enough behind without leaving our cat to ‘some nice home’. So as I started to say about today being a good day, I managed to duct tape him into a basket, and whisked him down to the vets, I have spent a week trying to do this. He now has his passport, microchip and rabies injection. He’s all ready, and as he was abandoned once, I am not abandoning him again, he’ll adapt, he’s better with his family that adopted him from a tiny starving kitten of six weeks and has raised him and loved him since, than not understanding why he has been abandoned again, but still recognising his environment. My decision is made, and I am bringing him back.
Today I tell you the stories of tracking him down and getting him ready, and you smile at the accounts. You blink your eyes to tell me you are happy he’s coming back, and to tell me, ‘yes, you have done extremely well my amazing woman’ when I blow into your eyes to make you blink in agreement. A game I like to play that probably p*sses you off, but you seem to enjoy, it makes you laugh not cry, so I carry it on each time, I even made you blink for a donkey and a fifth kid the other day!
Anyway, after the events of yesterday which were very distressing, you had a major epileptic fit, today the tranquilising drugs have taken affect, and you are very relaxed, not trembling and contracting as you were yesterday. I hope they manage for your sake to get the right dose, you will be so much more comfortable, and able to advance…
I must go and continue packing, I am not sure when exactly we are moving, so I need to be ready.
I love you, you are an inspiration my baby, I cannot begin to tell you how in love with you I am, or how much I miss you, depths I have never been to before, my admiration for you, you are my hero, as you always have been.
I wish you were here my sweetheart…the time passes so slowly without you, I am so lonely without you by my side…