Tuesday, 8 November 2011

A letter to Monty Buster....

Dear Monty Buster,

Happy 8th birthday my big man!! How unbelievable, how these 8 years have flown…

You were (after 23 ½ hours full on labour) an emergency caesarean section, I had to be knocked out completely, general anaesthetic, as I was in a terrible way, and you were very distressed. Your daddy was the first person to hold you, and for the 1hr and 45 minutes I was still under the anaesthetic, he talked to you, rocked you, and told you ‘mummy will be awake soon’. It’s funny, how on your 8th birthday, you have been hearing those same words from me, ‘daddy will be awake soon…’

When I had you, my life goal was fulfilled, to become a mother. You, my son, and the 3 girls, and your dad, are the most precious things to me. You are an amazing boy, intelligent, extrovert, you love helping people, your adoration of everything that is nature makes me stand back in awe.

The way you help and encourage your sisters, the way you are so affectionate with your cuddles, and so openly loving.

Yesterday was painful for all of us, there was the most important person missing, your dad. He’s been away for 5 weeks now in hospital, and I know how sad this makes you feel. I cuddle you and tell you to let out your tears when you need to, but you just miss him, his cuddles, your play fights, light sabre battles and football penalty shoot out tournaments with him in the garden.

You take it all in, you are very articulate and when I talk to you and explain things to you, you understand, you’re a young adult in your mind.

You decided, and I said on your 8th birthday that if you still didn’t want to, you did not have to eat chicken, as since we have had chickens you have made the connection between where the meat on your plate comes from and you no longer want to eat chicken. So there you go, I respect that, and I respect you, you show me so much love and respect, and when you’re tired OK, it’s not always the same! But you are utterly wonderful.

You LOVE maths as you always enthusiastically tell me, and also love to talk LOTS! You maybe sometimes need to let others get a word in edgeways too dude!

When you are older, I will be able to explain to you what actually happened, what has actually been going on these past 5 weeks for daddy, but for the moment you’re too young. I explain to you that daddy is getting better, all the little things he can do, squeezing my hand, blinking, wiggling toes, you understand it’s been serious, but I refused ever to tell you I thought the worst (well, was told to think the worst due to amazing fact your daddy survived the second brain operation despite all odds) because I want to keep you involved, keep talking about daddy, but make it positive, and when the times come that you need to cry, you need to do that, but when you’re alright, that’s cool too. Daddy WILL be back I tell you, but we have to have patience, it will take a long, long time.

You are dealing with it all incredibly, you are strong, you are something and someone incredibly special, with a drive to help others and be good, and these are super human qualities.

My little man (although I am not allowed to call you that an more!) I am SO proud of you, my heart bursts, you are my favourite boy in the whole wide world (as you have 3 sisters I can say this!).

How I was so infinitely blessed to have you I will never, ever comprehend, you truly are a gift from the heavens my baby boy.

I love you eternally, unconditionally and devotedly. Your soul, a brilliant shining light inside mine.

I am so sorry daddy is not here, but one day you will understand it. There’s some hard times still to come, a move back to England for English care for Daddy, because we have to do what is best for Daddy now. My heart breaks at leaving France, but we have no choice my angel, and I know you will grow and thrive through all the challenges which lie ahead.

I love you son, around the world and back again,

Happy birthday for yesterday my angel,

Love mummy xxx

1 comment:

  1. Tamsyn - my heart aches reading this. You have a wonderful son an amazing family. Your strength is mind blowing. Hang in there. It will all be ok. Time it just takes time. Xxxx