Monday, 28 November 2011

Dear Alex, one of my letters to you that you will read one day...

I have replaced my blogging with writing letters to Alex every night, although I thought today I would put up one of my letters to him....A minute glance into my life at the moment...

November 28th 2011

Dear Alex,

I am sat here with baked beans, baked potato and the French version of cheddar cheese on my lap as I type. I picture you with your feeding tube in your nose, and feel grateful for this meal. In fact I feel grateful for a thousand things today. That, although I found you unresponsive earlier, that you looked more relaxed, that the tracheotomy has seemed to put an end to the repetitive lung infections, for the beauty of nature, the bird calls, the weather, being outdoors, the fact that at the meal table tonight, when I ask how the kids are doing, they are OK. They tell me openly how much they are missing you, but they know that I am there for them. They are happy that I am still the ‘funny mummy’ they know and apparently love (till they hit teenage years). I am grateful that they can seek comfort in me being their normal happy mummy. I am not always ‘putting a face on’. I do at times feel comforted and reassured that, although I know this will take years, you will, one day be back, being you.

Each time I get back in from the hospital Esmie asks me ‘have you got daddy back today?’. This always hits me hard, and I battle with the lump blocking my throat as I stroke her angelic little face and tell her, ‘no sweetheart, not today…one day’…

I am holding on to hope and seeking much comfort in The Most High throughout this, knowing that he has our days mapped out for us, even before we are ‘knitted together in our mother’s womb’. This was always going to be our path. Everything leading up to it, the way you have been my rock, my angel, my mentor, comfort and daily strength, the way you deal with things, has inspired me. I now am trying to do this for you.

I have replied to many people who have told me that they see this incident as being ‘unjust’ that I do not feel this way, life is life, life is precious, and everything that happens, happens for a reason. I believe that we will make it through this and come out with a wealth irreplaceable with material riches. As horrendous as this is for the kids (and DO NOT get me wrong, as a parent, wrapping up our kids in a bubble wrapped protected packet is all we want to do for them, but life cannot be avoided, I would never have wished this ever on our kids, it hurts them dreadfully) but trying always to look on the positive side of things, our kids, seeing what they will witness in you, your force, your determination to get back all the things you will be able to, your trust in God, our faith that this was our chosen path, a path chosen for us to give us more than we could ever have had, had we not suffered. The compassion they will grow in, the love, acceptance, patience and perseverance they will gain through this, will change them in a way that this world has great need of. More people to be non-judgemental, compassionate and accepting. We are a generation, as I have said earlier, a generation of ‘quick fixes’ and  ‘instant gratification’ and through this (though I would never ever, ever wish this upon them, or anyone), they will know life, understand things on a far deeper level. I am trying to be there for them, keep you present, reassure them. I have even explained the fact that you will be blind. Monty wrote on his Christmas list yesterday ‘a Guide dog for daddy, just in case’…

I am keeping Lola off school tomorrow, she needs some mummy time, so school can wait. She’s so very sensitive and is missing you so terribly, as they all are.

It feels like so long since you were whipped away, the last words I hear you say to me are ‘what the hell’s going on’. I am longing for you to learn to speak again, what a conversation we will have honey!

Before I leave today, I ask you to kiss your wedding ring, you close your lips and I can see you try and kiss it. I wear your ring around my neck and put it on your wedding finger every time I come in. I sleep with my wedding ring finger through it and place my other hand on top of it, and pray. Pray for God to keep giving you strength, replenish your weakened bones, fatigued body, and heal gently all that needs to be healed.

Well baby, I am back in tomorrow, as always, the first there, and the very last to leave, get some rest, sleep with inner peace, you’re going to come through all this.

I love you honey, more than ever I imagined possible…

Your wife xxxx

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