Saturday, 9 April 2011

‘Didn’t see that one coming’ Town is apparently it’s twin town.

It had been a long old day in Sh*ts Ville. As I had apparently absent mindedly managed to catch the train there today, when I woke up post alarm time this morning. Every minute, it got harder, I was running around, flapping about like a woman that had been drinking cheap white wine for breakfast out of plastic cups, PLUS straw and umbrella (will try this next time), I got through the Bibliotech with class of 30 french kids swapping their books for Noel ones, Christmas ones, who knows why? I don’t even really care, the point is, I made it. I had left the lights on in our car that has a battery condition, which is imminently life threatening. We have, on many occasions, my husband and I, performed life-saving surgery under it’s bonnet, clipping on the battery box charger (which has multi functions too, btw), and ‘CLEAR!’ “Whoobam” (noise of charger shocks, I realise I am pathetic at noises, I think it’s predominantly a boy thing, correct me if I am wrong? To be good at ‘noises’. my son creases with embarrassment every time I 'pretend' shoot him...!), the car sometimes starts, sometimes we mourn it for a bit, thinking this is the end, only to be revving down the driveway and speeding off like an alcoholic late for a pub lunch, and on the way to school (late). Anyway, thankfully it hadn’t been an issue, it starts. Goodo.

I get home in time to paint some plant pots I have been meaning to do (the god damned “to do” list *spits in disgust*), and with one fell swoop the 2 and a half-year-old dips her little paint brush, I have foreseen this and provided her with her own paints and painting station, but as if that’s any fun when mummy’s using black, irremovable treacle paint that DOES NOT COME OFF, EVER. I’m too late, as in Sh*ts ville you get sh*t for brains, you get sh*t arms with no speed or agility, too, the face is painted. ‘Didn’t see that one coming’ Town is apparently it’s twin town. Her clothes were stripped off and binned instantly (as if I have either the time or the inclination to remove the stains of such magnitude) the face, however, is something else. No amount of scrubbing, screaming (her, not me, by then anyway…!), water/soap would remove it. We had to venture out in public to buy some white spirit. I bump into everyone, well of course you would, when your toddler looks like something out of a zebra horror film, and manage to get required white spirit. Too late to use it now, time to pick up kids for lunch from school (yep, it’s not even midday yet), I bump into a friend who enquires about Esmie’s face, wherein I tell her all and she gasps. The part she gasps at is the part where I tell her I am going to use white spirit on a cotton bud to get the paint off. She informs me, a little too desperately, that I could not put white spirit near her face. FGS (for god’s sake) ooo I have found a new triple! WTF, OMG, FGS. In truth, I was hardly going to hoy the contents of the bottle at her face going ‘shut your eyes for a second would you, sweetheart’ whilst telling her to play close to naked flame. But still, she maybe has a point, and I now have to leave, on HER advise, my toddler with black treacle paint stains on her face, and scrub it with butter (?). Wish me luck.

This evening, as the weather is gorgeous, we go to the park after school. We are there far later than we should have been, it turned into a ‘water park’ take over, my kids being the driving force, and thus emptying the park in an instant, of whoosy ‘I don’t like getting wet’ kids…mean, maybe, but it’s just a bit of fun, and my kids did not actually officially ‘start’ it this time (please note the ‘this time’).  Dragging hot, tired, wet, now mostly naked kids back up to the car, I realise on FINALLY arriving that I have lost the effing keys. I search everywhere, and resign my self to the fact I will have to parade my hot, tired, wet, semi naked kids to the nearest supermarket to use a phone. Although I suddenly realise I have no one to call, I have no phone myself, neither does my husband, so I am stuck. In a last ditch attempt, I tip out the only bag I would never have put them in, because it’s already in the car, on the front seat. The car has a dodgy lock, hence being able to access the car without keys. Yes! Thank the heavens above and cherubs that are so cute and the donkeys that go ‘eeeyore’ in the fields. They are there. I won’t go into the fact they were in my bag, already in the open car. Fool.





Well the weekend is upon us, and the holidays too. I am planning on doing some serious hanging out and chilling, and beginning tonight, by eating the first round of Easter eggs we bought for the kids, there’s still time to replace them…!

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