Dear Alex, slowing down the race of life...

Leaving France, 5 months ago...

July 7^th 2012

Dear Alex,

Cupcakes cool on the racks, the smell of baking fills the house. I (geekily) truly delight in the fact I can do this, (not well, 25 sank) but the appreciation of baking, mixing, cooking, rising, cooling then icing…I can get my head round it, I enjoy it, and I am capable of doing it. These days even drinking a cup of tea I am grateful for, I should always have been, and I have learned to be grateful for the simplest of things.

It makes me realise the pleasures in the moment. Challenging my focus, not 'oh, man, I only have 5 minutes for a cuppa’ But, ‘wow, I have 5 whole minutes to down a cup of tea, which I am able to make, drink’ and in appreciating it as a much bigger thing than I did in the past, I am drawn to the moment I live in, enjoying simple pleasures, offering thanks for all these gifts…

I have calmed, once always frantic, hence my ‘manic mum’ name, mopping floors, cooking, doing children, animals, well, all sorts, and in making myself take these deep breaths of gratitude for it all, I see more, I appreciate all, I feel hugely blessed and balanced. No need to frantically go at everything, never appreciating, always performing with such speed, life was a race.

I sit and eat an ice lolly with the kids in the garden, we chat, I dwell, I delight in their stories, smiles, niggles, all of it, and time has slowed, because I appreciate the moment in a very real way, by being thankful for each second, and each thing I have to do. I do not do any less, I guess I do a lot more, now! But my eyes and breathing are open to gratitude speak, and it’s slowed me down internally.

Today you hear the kids voices, each time they come in, your serene smile never leaves your face, you close your eyes in peace, you reach out continually to touch one of them, stroking their hair, feeling my watch on my wrist, my arm, enjoying, basking in family time.

You are different when they are there, so peaceful, relaxed, absorbing them, their love, their chatter, it is so powerful the energy kids bring in their innocence and chat, twirling in too big dresses, falling to the floor, sitting on your lap drawing. Asking you questions, checking you’re not too cold, too hot. Looking after you.

I go to bed late at the moment, I do not sleep well, can’t get to sleep, it must be a phase. I am just unable to wind down.

But my head is filled with thoughts of you, your incredible progress, the fact that today I said I’d be back soon and you replied ‘you’d better be’! you have made a few jokes this week, your character seems to be bubbling on up to the surface a bit. Gently breaking through at times, and it’s as miraculous as watching a baby take its first steps.

I am content; I love how you seem to have stepped up another level. I chatted to you today about how I felt that at the moment you needed to pause, take in fully where you had got to, rather than getting frustrated with the rest you still have to do, I felt that I should tell you that you need to look back, and not forward for a while, to stake an ‘Alex has done this part’ flag in the mountainous journey of achievements you have made so far. Time to look at where you have come from, not where you still need to get to.

You nod, understand, and squeeze me so tight and tell me ‘I love you’ when I tell you I love you, you say ‘not as much as I love you…’ something you used to say to me before!

I am on cloud nine at the moment with your improvements, although I now have to go and ice precisely the 30 cup cakes that did not sink, and it’s already 10.30 pm…!

I do love you Alex, I am so overwhelmed by you, and although we have so much further to go, we have come so very, very far…remember that…

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx