Dear Alex, healing...

You swore SO much putting this tent up!

12^th July 2012

Dear Alex,

Red kites soar, wrapping themselves around the wind, the sky…exuding tranquillity, peace. I stare, and try not to swerve the car….!

Somehow, I cannot understand, why now, it’s as if a huge fog has lifted, as though months of drifting, unaware for the most part, a veil has been lifted, blown down. You gain strength, I feel a presence in you, around you…it’s as though I can feel the healing…

 Following a migraine, a friend catches me this morning, eyes like the proverbial p holes in the snow, squinting, staggering, late on the school run. She offers to look after Esmie, who did not want to come into hospital today. Biting down on my initial ‘oh, we’ll be fine, thanks’  reaction, I gratefully accept the offer of help. I know for Esmie, for me, it’s the best solution. Esmie is happy.

I get to hospital, there is a problem, you have pulled out your feeding peg in the night, they cannot get it back in without surgery. Gulping back fear at the thought you are ‘nil by mouth’ and of the medical procedure, I am anxious, as are they all, you have to have it put it back in to hydrate you and top up your intake of food. The speech therapist (who surveys your progress and is responsible for swallow tests, feeding and so on) is called. She has been, yet again, floored by your progress. Last week you were moved on a stage again, single cream consistency drinks. Two weeks prior to this it was double cream, weeks before the swallow test she had done was the most dangerous she had ever done she said…and was therefore extremely hesitant to try again. When she did, she was astonished, and double-thickened drinks came shortly after. Today, she says honestly, she’s not overly concerned. She thinks they will be able to get enough fluid and food into you naturally…! There may be no need to put a feeding peg back in- AND free fluids, no thickener!

She cannot put her finger on your astounding inexplicable progress in medical realms…

Prayer heavily follows your progress, many pray, send thoughts, energy, asking for more healing, holding you up…

Therapy today is a room, a bed, lavender oil, music, set up for you and me to just ‘be’…I have often requested some physical freedom for you. Always strapped into your chair, held, surrounded and hemmed in, I have asked for some ‘space’ time for you, even on mats on the floor where you cannot go anywhere, or do any harm! Today, my request is here…

We listen to music, you are transferred onto the bed, I lie next to you. Window next to us, I lie, I give in, I laugh and ask you if you mind if I cry for a bit? You smile and stroke my hair…that’s just tipped me over the edge! And I do, I cry. I cry relief, healing, witnessing your progress, at not squinting quite so hard to see the light at the end. Out of the window I watch the clouds pass by- a kingdom of energies, tracing, racing patterns out, still, ballooning. Skies that speak a myriad words, express emotions in their grandeur, eloquence.

What a time we passed, happy in each other’s arms, your eyes are open, your touch never ceasing, your skin’s smell. Your smile, which does not leave your lips. We lie together in heaven…and again, I feel it. All the longing and the heartache for you to progress, it feels like it is here, the healing.

Afterwards, a comment is made ‘Alex, the muscles on the left hand side of your face-they look like they’re working! I have never seen that before’…

You smile, your eyes shine, glisten, as do mine with tears as I have to leave…

How can I show you my love for you? My hopes, my fears that have crushed me at times, suffocated me…now I feel differently, I feel (almost!) an inner peace, a hope so furiously ignited that I breathe it with ecstasy…you’re coming back…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx