Dear Alex, The silence echoes...
26th October 2012
Dear Alex,
Retreating back to the warmth of this house, the silence echoes. The bitter
cold windy day has my hands tight, my nose red, my shoulders shrugged up,
resting around my head bracing the Autumn air and rain.
I’m not writing much at the moment Alex. I’m having to go through what I
am. I have no idea how I’m getting through the days. The ache, the throb of my
heart broken just paces out loud.
Whatever anyone may think, I face the facts of the future, the facts of
a past gone. No matter what your progress, however good or fast or small and
slow. The facts remain. I am bringing the kids up, all four smiling chattering
faces, kicking leaves on the way to school, holding hands, morning discussions and intermittent skips, without you.
I gain so much strength from them. I am facing the fact that I have no
companionship, you’re not there to parent with me, love me as a husband loves
his wife, look after me, protect me.
This is one or two of the multitude of things I am grappling to come to terms with at
the moment.
And in it all, we had a decade together of bliss, hard times, arguments,
making-ups. Parenting together. Walking side-by-side in our morals, beliefs,
thoughts, spiritual path and how we should parent.
This is over a year on. I think the year I have lived has sucked me through and spat me out,
now saying, ‘right this is your reality now, and Alex isn’t there to wrap you
in his arms and tell you it’ll be ok, you’re on your own with this one’.
I have the odd day I feel a bit better. But dragging around this weight
inside, I find I cry whenever I’m alone. It bubbles up, unable to suppress it
if a friend asks ‘how are you?’ in the playground, I choke, tears fall.
And I don’t feel sorry for myself, I hate ‘being this way out’. I do see
the immense privilege I have in having the kids, a roof over my head, friends,
family who care.
I just can’t stop the ache. Because you saved me, you were my knight in
shining armour, 11 years ago you found me, 10 years you protected me. I could
never live without you. And this is what this is-living without you.
Oh Alex, I hate being this sad. I wish you could talk it through with
me, like we used to talk everything through.
You can't even promise me you’ll come back, and that's the hardest part…..
Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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