12th September 2013
Layer upon layer exposed, of emotions seeping, raw. And no understanding, no direction and no reassurance.
You fight sleep, you fight all day. You yell, call out, lash out, cry, wail.
I half dropped half a stone in a week. I have almost dropped hope.
Hope, it falls away from me, as you do, like an ice-cube on a hot radiator.
Layers of flash backs of you haunt me, and unfold, my entire body aches, filled with a chill I feel through my bones and my being, aching and yearning you as you used to be.
Layers of guilt ridden mother, struggling to protect the kids, those beautiful kids of ours, in the face of the noise their daddy makes all the time.
Layers of sleep deprivation- I manage to settle you around 1 am, you sleep restlessly till 4 am, then wake the whole house with your banging, your shouts, your tears. And so I send the kids to a new school day-in-day-out, tired and confused.
Layers of pushing myself further and harder than ever, ever I have before. As I try to wrap those kids of ours in so much love, reassurance, 'it won't always be like this' As they hear the doubt my eyes reveal.
Layers of grief, angst, loneliness.
I have brought a stranger back to live with us, uprooted us all, and who are you?
I get none of you. Not a glimpse.
And then the carers who trail in and out endlessly. Whom you do not take to, do not want here, whom I do not know.
And my love and hopes and dreams shattered...
I am dizzy, forgetful, 'spaced out', red eyed and spent. I am inches, no barely an inch, away from giving up. Crying 'Who lives like this? Who does this? How can I do this?'
Then there's the heartache when I listen to you say 'Do you know Alex Wood?' 'No, it's not me, Alex Wood is fine, there's nothing wrong with him' And 'Am I insane?' And 'I am trying to find you, Tamsyn...'
This is the hardest part now. The hardest bit I have ever done, and there's no guarantee it will change.
Our kids love it here, love the area, love their school, have slotted in as if they have always been here, thankfully they seem to be able to zone out of your noise.
Although my heart worries endlessly, for them and for me...and for you...
I don't know the end to this chapter.
Just that in the flashbacks of you as you were I hear you begging me to see it through, to stay with you and not give up.
And I will not give up.
Because I believe in you.