Dear Alex, what you CAN do....

December 28^th 2011

Dear Alex,

I park up and realize I am next to your parents, they are obviously with you.

In fact I am soaking wet, I, and three other mummies who have been extraordinary in their kindness and help for me these past few months, all went to the swimming pool, with slides and baby pools and everything, in St Jean de Luz, we had a picnic lunch, then went swimming, I left the pool and the four kids in their capable hands after an hour and a half to go and see you. Then I was to go back and join them.

I walk into the room and do my usual ‘hiya baby, how’s it going?’, you break down, as you have done every day for the last three days on hearing my voice. I apologise to your mum, and take her place next to you, whereupon I hold your head and mine pressed close, holding your right hand, and telling you how I know, I know how imprisoned you feel, I know this is your worst nightmare, I know it’s an unknown world, everyone talking in French, pushing you, pulling you about, trying you in different positions, turning you, returning you, lifting you in harnesses to place you in chairs, back in bed. You just want to do this all for yourself, but are incapable.

I try and reassure you everyday that, yes, this is you at the moment, yes, this is just down right f*ck*ng hard, no words can soothe, no wand to magic it away, you have to go through it. I try and make you concentrate on not just the here and now, but of our future together, rolling around in the garden with the kids, light sabre battles with the kids, being you, you, again, one day. Try and see what I see, hat the kids see, our future, together, once again, as a complete family.

Your parents leave as they have been there a while. You lay still for a while as I talk to you about the day, the kids swimming, I tell you Lola was doing roly-polys under water and doing 5 strokes under water too. You raise your eyebrows, then start to cry again. I know how you yearn to see them, how your heart and soul must ache to see their little faces, be a part of what they are doing. I tell you I am looking after them, I really am, they miss you, and want to see you, but now’s not the time. I promise you I am looking after them well, and they are happy (enough). But you are heartbroken.

In fact tonight before I put Monty to bed, he came to me in tears, doubled over, crying out his pain, ‘I just miss daddy so, so much, he wasn’t here for my birthday or for Christmas, when can I see my dad again?’ I cuddle him into me, stroking his head, and I rethink. I hadn’t wanted them to see you like this, as for the other three, I believe this will be traumatizing for them. I explain everything, but what a child listens to and accepts, does not mean they fully comprehend the emotions that would indubitable go with it were they to see you as you are. But Monty has already seen you, and in ICU, so here, he would see the difference, I suggest to him he has a think about whether he wants to come in, and I will reflect on this too, but if he really wants to, he is mature enough to deal with it, it did him good to see you last time, as sad as it was for him.

Today, I wanted to write down the things I have seen you achieve in the last 6 days since being in Neuro-re-education, each moth I will re-read it, and we will see how far you are moving. Every day, I tell you, is another day closer to being well, every day, another day won.

Today as you sit in the chair harnessed in, you move your right arm up to your face in an uncoordinated manner to scratch your nose, you roughly achieve it with the back of your hand. You can squeeze with your right hand (I gave you and arm wrestle, and it was a draw! but at least it put a smile back on your face for a while), I ask you to squeeze with your left hand, it takes a few seconds, and you very, very lightly move your hand. This was ‘paralysed’ a week ago. You move both legs incredibly well, lifting them up onto a chair I place opposite you and back down again, I tell you to practice getting your dancing rhythm back to the music, or I will always deny being with you on the dance floor! You open your eyes, and blink them. You slightly nod and shake your head for yes and no, not very visibly, but you can notice it. Yesterday when asked by me if you understood the nurses talking to you in French, you extend your right hand and move it from side-to-side in a ‘kind of’ gesture.

Yesterday, when you were in tears, and my face is pressed against yours, you move your right hand up to touch my face. I swoon, this affectionate gesture from you was huge, it came form you, the man I love, the man I miss, my man. You have some movement in your left arm too.

These are all remarkable, and the rest is all to come. Remember, you barely smiled a month ago...

The nurses talk to me about replacing the bone in your head, this will not be done for six months, you will have to wear a protective helmet until. I tell them how this Christmas was going to be our first ever family Christmas together, I said, well, at least it will be the only one not like that, next year…They look at me pursed lipped, sorrow in their eyes, and tell me that I have to be aware we are not talking months, never to lose hope, but it will be a very, very long road.

This is what we have both been in agony trying to deal with since your move. Although we were so excited that you are there, the long haul I think has hit us both. It’s taken its toll. But I promise you my baby I will lift you, I will be there no matter what, everyday, without fail, I will comfort you and be there for you, and I am never quitting, neither will you.

I am in agony for you, what you must be going through, the nurses say you cry a lot when I am not there too. It rips my heart in two.

But you will see honey, little by little, step by step, and you will reach your goal one day…

I pray you sleep peacefully tonight, and I will see you tomorrow.

I love you form the depths of the earth and the heights of the sky, together, baby, we will do this…

Me xxxxxx

Dear Alex, the page has turned...

December 22^nd 2011

Well, what a day…how vastly emotional, how many tears we shed, what a huge smile you had on your face as you were wheeled out of ICU and into the ambulance to move on to the next stage…

It’s been the most poignant day of my life, one I will never forget, ever. Ingrained on my soul and in my heart.

My friend Cecile who is a nurse at the hospital came in (on her day off) to be with me and see Alex off. The whole team were sad to see him go, they have grown very attached to you. They are so happy for you that are going where you are going, as we all are so very aware that this day was never predestined at the beginning.

Cecile and I talked for the two hours you slept before the ambulance people came to take you. She is going to Haiiti for a fortnight to help out with people who have had their lives devastated and shattered, to give something. She tells me that she saw me at the beginning, and stood back amazed at how I held always my hope, my courage, my love, my belief, my enthusiasm and positivity, refusing to let you waste away, had I listened to the Drs and believed them. (I assured her she, anyone, would do the same, when you have no choice, you just have to keep on). She told me that my attitude has inspired her, and seeing how you, Alex, have made it through this, been carried by another force, she has decided she wants to do something different, help others, and give. We spent a lot of the time together in tears, as she worked there, she knew what the initial diagnosis had been, and she is astounded that today has come about, but feels it is down to how we have been, our love, a connection on another level, that has pulled you through.

After they have finished getting you ready, I realise, there are no more drips in your arms, no more heart monitor pads puzzled over your chest, no more blood pressure strap on your upper arm, no more oxygen detector on your finger, then I look up and see the machine, all is switched off. The screen is blank. It is at this point when I cannot hold it together any more, and tears flood my eyes and mouth. I am in disbelief.  This is such a happy day, in fact, I sprung out of bed this morning, put on the Gospel music version of  ‘Oh Happy Day’ and played it as loudly as I could, dancing around with the kids…this is SUCH a happy day, and I feel wrung dry, three months, three whole months, and we have finally made it.

You were so happy to be leaving, what a big day, a triumphant day. You leave smiling, and outside, you breathe your first fresh air in three months, you blink to let me know it feels good.

Cecile and I say goodbye to one another in tears, it’s all over, ICU, a page turned, and Neuro re-education the destination.

When we get there I help settle you in. and gradually as the Dr examines you, he sees clearly both your legs work, but your arms are paralysed at a 45 degree angle. Your head does not move, and slumps always to the right hand side. He asks me many questions, and I assure him you are completely aware of your state. He goes away to have a meeting with all the team, and they will write up a program for you. When he leaves, you begin to cry, you are so aware of how trapped you are, and I imagine the fact you cannot see must be even harder. You are imprisoned in your own body, and no one can do anything quickly about this. To hear and be so aware, but to not be able to move or see, this must be terrifying, and it distresses me to the core…

I tell you that ‘OK, today is an emotional day for us, we’ve come so far, but tomorrow, it stops, I am here to pick you up, motivate you, encourage you, and be there every step of the way…’. But today, our tears roll.

Monty came down tonight after bedtime, watching mop the floors, tidy up, cook, feed the animals, and he said to me, ‘mum, I have never mopped the floors, and it’s you the only adult in the house at the moment, why don’t you let me do something to help you?’

What an angel he is, I told him it was a lovely, lovely gesture, and how proud of  him I was that he had offered, but I was fine,. But he insisted in saying, ‘yes, but you do ALL the work mummy, and daddy’s not here, let me do something, can I run you a bath?’ so I let him mop the floor in the bathroom, and he felt very proud of himself for having helped me out. I do not want him to feel any adult responsibility, he is 8-years-old, and he has to stay 8-years-old, I make sure I let him know that ‘that’s what his mum is here for’. He is a good boy, and he makes his bed and folds his pyjamas and clothes, and helps set the table, that’s already amazing. I can see he was so happy to have helped though, bless him, so getting the balance right of letting him grow up too, is a privilege for him, and he is ready. As long as he does not do this because he feels a responsibility to suddenly be a grown up as a result of this situation, that he does it as a natural step, I can accept that.

Well, Christmas approaches, and the kids and I went out to choose you a little tree to go in your new bedroom, they have chosen some tinsels for you as well. When I got back, Esmie ran up to me and said ‘did you take Daddy to the other hospital mummy?’ I reply, yes, and her and Mitzi scream ‘YEEEESSSS!!!!’ And dance jumping up and down together cuddling, so excited. They all get it, the kids, even the littlest.

I see you as you are now, I hope for how you will be, I will keep you and guard you and comfort and protect you, but I will never let you give up, YOU, will never let you give up, despite, I know you. It’s all started today baby, here’s to our future…

Here’s to togetherness again…

Me xxxx

Dear Alex, something I wrote for you today....

December 13^th

The days that were……

The days that were, are no longer,

The days that were, are passed,

In a moment, our days as were, slipped from our reach,

The days for me as they happened once, are no more,

The days for you, changed,

The days for us, no longer acquainted with us,

The days for our children, incomplete, your lack of presence their void of absence,

The days of walking, talking,

The days hand-in-hand,

The days by the beach,

All taken for granted,

The days we passed together,

The days you were working, the days I was too busy,

The days of a kiss goodbye, a wave, a ‘see you later’, gone,

The days of ‘fancy a cuppa?’

The days of togetherness,

The days of being in your arms,

The days of sleeping legs entwined,

The days when I was not alone…

The days of walks with the children, family moments, of happy fulfilled days,

The days of being together, all six, at the table, when will that be again?

The days we knew, the days we lived,

The days we understood,

The days as they were, when will they be again?

Yet a new understanding,

One of hope,

One of joy at the simplest of gestures,

One of endless belief, a new voyage,

A new path,

A new life,

The days we wait for now, not as they were,

But as they will be,

Days that could never have been, if we still possessed the days that were…

Dear Alex...Another letter, another day, another something gained....

December 11^th 2011

Dear Alex,

Well, it was your mum’s birthday today, although she’ll murder me for saying this, it was her 70^th. Your mum and dad and I came in to see you at lunch, to find you’d been moved! You are now in the High dependency Unit, awaiting transfer to St Jean De Luz, when they see you are ready, likely after Christmas. So we felt so positive, the room is much less clinical and sterile, and we do not even have to scrub up, although we do have to do our hands, that’s all…it’s much more accomodating.

Your mum and dad went in first, and then your mum stayed with me for a while, we had some smiles from you, and your mum and I chatted away, and then you pumped! We both burst out laughing, and asked why you hadn’t let us pull your finger before (your party trick for the kids) this made you smile and chuckle a little noiseless chuckle, and your mum left us together for a bit happy with her birthday present from you-a fart…times have changed!!!

Unfortunately my health has been going further and further down hill for a fortnight or so now, I now have a peptic stomach ulcer, the symptoms are rapidly getting dramatically worse, and my legs hardly drag my body around….and I, thus, am feeling weaker by the day, dropping weight and going on nerves. I can’t bear the shaking and trembling throughout my body which even my head does, any longer.

I hope I will regain my strength somehow, it is not easy fighting all this on my own, without you, especially being so physically rundown and weak, I just have no strength in me to do what I have to do, but I just cannot ‘STOP!’, as my body is crying out to me, I have no choice…

I have decided on the ‘kids not sleeping’ front to put some procedures in place. Most people refer to Monty and Lola as the ‘big two’ and Mitzi and Esmie as the ‘little two’ . Now with roughly a year’s difference between Mitzi and Lola, although height wise, they seem years apart, Lola in 8-year-old clothes, Mitzi barely in 5-year-olds’! This is a habit, which I have picked up on too. Esmie is very clingy at the moment, and with all the upheaval, all their behaviours are very justified, and it’s all very obvious why what is going on is going on. Esmie has reverted to ‘baby’ mode. Now, I decided to buy her a dummy. I chucked all their dummies in the bin no later than 18 months old each one, they only had them for sleeping, but they served a great purpose, especially whilst breastfeeding, sometimes they just needed to suck, so I have always used them. All the kids in Esmie’s class have dummies, and she is the only one without, it’s normal for a child up to the age of 6 at times to still have a dummy here in France. Now I am not saying I am going to keep this going till then, but I am in desperate times, and so have to resort to desperate measures.

I am now (and have explained clearly to all of them where they stand, and what their position is) explaining to Mitzi she is one of the ‘big ones’ and Esmie is still little and in need of some babying. As Mitzi is a big girl, I am now grouping her in with the big 3, in the hope this may re-instate some confidence in her, she will not be lost and misplaced as one of the ‘little ones’. Esmie thus, is now again, the ‘baby’, well the ‘little one’ and hence the dummy, and she will now be sleeping in my bed, and the big 3, as they are big and understand this, can take it on turns on the sofa, rather than 2 in the bed, one on the sofa, it’s been chaos quite honestly, bedtimes and night time. Tonight is the first night, and I am hoping and praying this will work, and Esmie will get the mummy time she misses since the sudden day when daddy disappeared, and she went to school fulltime 4 days a week, with not much mummy time for her on her own, as she was so used to this.

She is asleep now in my bed, with her dummy and her ‘dou dou’ a comforter in English. She was out like a light. I am not spending the first part of my evening and then long into the night running up and down the stairs to a screaming child. I feel the calm already.

I had such a lovely time with you today, and it seems you are more relaxed too in this room. As you can now breathe on your own, and have no need of the machine, this has enabled you to be moved, a step on…a BIG step on, one machine down. To begin with, over a fortnight we watched machines moving one at a time out of your room, finally breathing when the defibrillator was  taken away. Seeing that next to you was a constant reminder you could go at any minute.

How far we have come. And today, guess what you did, well, I know you know, but these letters are reminders to you, I told you how in love with you I was, and you slowly and deliberately blinked your eyes three times, I say ‘was that I love you, you just blinked 3 times to tell me you love me?’ and you blinked once for yes! Then a wee while after, after I had stopped crying and cuddling my face into yours, you blink your eyes three times again, and I reply to you ‘I love you too, my angel’. I did not ask you something, you told me something. Wow. Another first!

What a day, a fart and three blinks…you’re amazing Alex, I am so utterly overwhelmed by your strength, determination, your progress, with you. How did I manage to bagsy you as my man? I must have been an angel in a previous life to deserve such a person as you…

I miss you my baby, but I know you’re gradually coming back…we will walk down the aisle hand in hand for our 10 year wedding anniversary in 2 ½ years time-that’s our goal, and renew our vows, in front of the Most High, after all we have been through, in front of our kids, who for the moment have lost you, in front of family and friends, and man, what a party afterwards it will be, we will have deserved it, that’s for sure!

I love you, see you tomorrow,

Me xxx

Dear ALex, My gorgeous, AMAZING man....I have your smile back!

My gorgeous, AMAZING man....I have your smile back!

December 5^{th 2011}

You smiled, and you smiled and you smiled today! Not just once, but LOADS! A little chuckle and just so many BEAMING HUGE smiles!!! I have my man’s smile back! It’s been too long, and now thinking about it, tears well in my eyes, and fall down my cheeks…

You spent the first part of my visit asleep, the nurses explained to me that it is in fact the sitting up in the chair. They have had you for 3 hours Saturday and 2 hours yesterday sitting up, (strapped into the chair) which is why you are so very exhausted, they say it’s an immense effort for the body. Which is when I look at you and joke, ‘yeah it’ s alright for you lying down all the time, then going ‘oooo how hard it is to sit up, lie me down again please nurses’…yeah, how hard babes, chance would be a fine thing in my case’. You know me, and know I never, well, rarely sit down, and so you smile a broad smile….

Ashley (Alex’s older brother) came in with me again and there is much banter flying around, making jokes. We discuss also the fact I am going to get a piercing, to mark this event, either in my nose or above my lip, he rolls his eyes and says he’s not into it. I ask Alex to squeeze my hand if he is cool with it, he does, but Ash doesn’t believe me, and Alex smiles at this. I then spend ages trying to get him to tell me whether he thinks ‘nose’ or ‘lip’ a squeeze to decipher which one, he spends ages holding his hand flat, refusing to tell me, we tell him he’s winding us up, he’s doing it deliberately, he wants me to get big cow rings in my nose AND my lip so I look like cattle till he’s ready and out of here and can flatten any man who looks at his woman again! This whole time he is smiling and blinking, and genuinely revelling in all the banter and jokes. I say to Ash to check out how he has re-juvenated in here, it’s alright for some, I tell Alex I now have wrinkles as a direct result of this  incident I can store mars bars in, will he get me botox for Christmas? He does a little chuckle, (a silent one, as speech has to be relearnt) and squeezes my hand. So I call him a mean b*st*rd!

Anyway, in all this, you can see, you are here baby!

On Friday night, I dreamt I saw you smile loads, that it was the next ‘thing’ you learned. I woke up on Saturday so desperately longing for this, wondering when I would see your smile again…and you see? My dream came so very true…I just can’t stop the tears rolling in joy.

They put you on the breathing machine all night long, but all day long, you manage with just oxygen. They are going to try you without it tonight, and see how you go. There’s no talk yet of transferring you, but I am holding on to hope that it will be before Christmas…

On that note baby, I can not WAIT to see you tomorrow! I so hope I get those smiles again and tiny noiseless chuckles…the fact you are enjoying company, understanding banter, and even joining in by not squeezing my hand!

I love you SO much, SO much it’s unreal…

See you tomorrow honey,

Your proud and overjoyed wife xxx

^ps

I even went to bed crying last night, and have woken up this morning doing the same, just that image of your smile…I feel like I AM getting you back. And this is more overwhelming than you could ever, ever imagine…it’s on a par with having a child, getting married to your soul mate, it’s indescribable in words...I feel like we are now on the long path to recovery...At LONG last...

Dear all......

...As most of you, by now, will know, my husband Alex Wood, at 32-years-old, suffered a head injury at rugby training. After the first life saving brain operation was unsuccessful, he had to have another one 24 hours after. At this point, the Dr told me they did not expect him to survive...

We are now 9 weeks on, and he is out of the coma (which was at Glasgow scale 3) and responding a little, blinking his eyes in response to things, squeezing our hands with his right hand, and has some movement in his left leg. There are a myriad problems, epilepsy and blindness have been confirmed as a result. He now has to relearn everything, and I FULLY believe, that with time, although we are told not expect much, if anything, that he will recuperate all that he possibly can. This will take years. BUT he will win...

The reason I am writing this blog is because one of the things that seems to have been forgotten is his French. Thus, my decision for him and his recovery is to get him back to England, move back as a family to England, leaving our dream, but following our new journey, delighting in his slow, but sure recovery. This can only be done when he is in a fit enough state. He has had a tracheotomy and a stomach peg fitted to help him on his road to recovery. 

When he is in a position, and we do not know when, as he still in the High ICU centre in Bayonne Hospital, we will move back. To get him back to England will require an ambulance and much other equipment, so my sister initially set up this website:

http://makingwavesforalex.co.uk/fundraising.html

Since, many people have been joining in, coming up with fundraising ideas for his move, and rehabilitation...

I am asking everyone if they would please just check out these various events, and sponsor, if you could, everything makes the difference.

They are all, too, on my sister's site she has set up for him, but I have put some of the links up below.

Thank you all so much in advance, and for all your support, love, prayers and care...You, none of you, have any idea how much it has ALL been helping me get through this.

Thank you, Tamsyn x

http://www.gofundme.com/aeji0

http://www.theblenheimtriathlon.com/BTRacedescription.html

http://www.gofundme.com/ajy0o

http://www.gofundme.com/apacs