I am glad we avoided calling our daughter ‘vagina’.

I knew I stank, but in reality it wasn’t my fault, it never is. I do not choose to stink, never deliberately so, but hanging out regularly with ducks, dogs, cats, chickens and kids tends to have that effect. Ok, the hairy pits were something else, but that can and was addressed. I have a very poorly duckling who I have carried around for most of the day, she can’t walk anymore for some reason. I love my ducklings like they’re my babies! So of course I was going to look after it, TLC for all that suffers I say, regardless who/what, whether it may be animal vegetable or mineral…well, carrying a broken washing machine around I have, to this date, not done, but who knows? Anyway, ducklings are cute, but stink, and the fact Posh weed all over me seconds before departure to pick up kids from school, was not my fault, no time to change, I stank of hot duckling, duckling p*** and in my haste on the way to pick the kids up, I screech to a halt in the carpark skidding up rubble, get me! I quickly run off to the recycling and end up dripping, well, cascading, gone off milk down my legs. Nothing to mop myself up with was an obstacle, I tried wiping it off with a bin liner I had in the car, but, as if? As if that’s any help, considering. So you know what I did? No, bet you don’t. Well, I keep *febreeze* in the car as the stinky car can get quite overwhelming at times too. I *febreezed* myself. Even my pits. I then hoped I wouldn’t have some mad allergic reaction after, and turn up at school stinking, wafting febreeze suspending my arms, unable to droop them due to a bad allergic reaction to self-febreezing.

Luckily, although it stung somewhat, it seems to have left no long lasting burns, set the hairy pits on fire or leave rashes or other symptoms. Lucky me. Although the smell of stale milk lingered and I felt hugely self conscious, waiting amongst my friends doing the ‘kissy kissy’ French thing as we await eagerly our little monsters.

Mitzi about a year old, making cakes...?

Mitzi had her Hello Kitty cake at school today, she was so excited, and the kids apparently loved it so much that the teacher did a drawing of it and then photocopied it for them all to colour in at home!! She was so proud bless her! I took Esmie to the park, just opposite Mitzi’s school later this afternoon, out in the playground I spot Mitzi and her class singing her ‘’appy berzdayz to yooooooooooo’ and clapping as she blows out the candles! It was lovely, Esmie cheered too. In fact, many things over here are called the same thing, but with a French accent, Spider man is Speeederrr man, Hello Kitty is ‘ello kitty, we all know the ‘the’ completely bypasses them, ‘ze’. My name has now no meaning any longer. I answer to ANYTHING. Anything, Tampzon, Timpsin, Timpzan, Tasmine, I even answered to Tampon once too, I just have lost the will to correct them. I tend to tell people I am called ‘Tam’ as they seem to be able to register and re-say this. In fact Esmie nearly got called ‘Ki Ki’ which THANK GOD we did not call her this as this means ‘front bottom’ in French. I am glad we avoided calling our daughter ‘vagina’.

Her cake!

My angel...

I drove Monty down to get his new football kit tonight, waiting on our tod for 20 minutes, before realising we were waiting at the wrong place. Spotting people giving out the new kits over in the distance was the clue. So Monty and I sprint off, me in fact piggy backing him all the way down and over yonder, he has bad blisters, bless! Anyway, that’s been my last few days, the in-laws have parted, back up to their mobile home, Monty has his new football kit, and is playing away on Saturday, so we are all going to watch him! Alex starts rugby training Friday night, so we’re becoming more balanced in the ‘Girls vs Boys’ activities in the house…

Baby Mitzi on mountain hike, which we did, cleverly, in flip flops...

Oh, before I go, I have to tell you that nits are doing their rounds at school at the moment, horrible little bastards. I have got pure lavender oil which I put a drop behind each ear each morning before they go to school. I forgot this morning, so with hasty good byes and love yous and kibses, I then yell after each child, ‘Oh, and don’t put your head near ANY OTHER child’s…’. Because they'll definitely think to not do that... luckily they have (hang on, let me just touch myself, in a purely platonic way, my name is Wood, after all (handy)) not caught the little buggers yet, and did not arrive home with heads leaping and plinging around with joyous nits, revolting unnecessary creatures. Eeewwww, they’re SO rank.

See you tomorrow,

Tamsyn x *thinks she sees a nit plinging, FREAKS OUT*

Quick pic...The CAKE!

'Ello Kitty (in French!)

Mitzi moo and me and cake!

My Mitzi and me...(although it was taken at 7.30 am, so I do have an excuse for looking ROUGH.

Dear Mitzi Joy...

 Dear Mitzi Joy,

5 Today! No way! FIVE? Hey? Five years old, today! From chubby big blue ostrich-eyed baby, to you, gorgeous, scrumptious Mitzi moo.

You arrived at a stressful time in our lives, but out of that stress came the decision to move to France, to bring you all up in France, a better life, the ‘Good Life’. When you were 5 weeks old, Lola 16 months and Monty a bit more than 2-and-a-half, dad and I made the decision ‘if we do not move now, we never will’. And it was you coming along that made us decide that, when you were 7 weeks old, we moved to France.

Now, nearly 5 years on, mummy and daddy are nearly both working  and our lives are stressful, but incredible. We are so very blessed to have all you kids, and you are our joy, our very own 5 year old little Mitzi Joy!

Your name means ‘Beloved unexpected gift’…and as you were a little surprise (!) We loved the original name and the meaning was so befitting. Your second name was your Granny's (my mum's mum) so you were named after your great granny, ‘Joy’. You were nothing but joy and happiness (even though you never slept as a baby, and still do not very well!). You still are, your laugh creases me up, such a gaffaw, such a distinctive laugh, it is contagious, and people listening/looking at us can not help but to laugh too (hearing your laugh, not AT us…).

I am pleased to say that your eyelashes are now growing back. You decided a few weeks ago this was one of the BEST ideas you had ever had, to ‘hairdress’ your eyelashes. I am not surprised, I have never seen longer ones to be fair, they tickle your eyebrows! You are a stunning little girl, with a physique that no one can believe. You are insanely strong, acrobatic, climby, ‘watch me’y, and you have reason, you can do some pretty damn clever things. Over the last 5 years you have grown (although not much in height!) in spirit, in your love for adventure, your ‘testing the boundaries’ just to see where you can go…Will you always be the same? You are never deliberately naughty, but your explorative nature catches you out at times.

Mitzi Joy, I wanted to tell you something here and now, you are an amazing girl, beautiful (and not just on the inside) you are sharp, witty, clever, all of these, easily and naturally. I see your need for attention, and see you lack confidence at times. In your report at the end of last school year, your teacher remarked (again) that you needed to express yourself to your friends, if you do not want them to take something of yours, tell them. As I see it, it is, some of it, due to  circumstances, it’s been challenging (amazing, but challenging) being brought up in a foreign country, starting school not speaking the same language. You have pushed yourself the whole way, and I am in awe of your determination as a person. I encourage you to (instead of crying and walking off upset) to ‘tell them what YOU want/don’t want to do’ to ‘stand up for yourself’ because, in this life my angel, you are going to have to. You are getting better at it, and I am here to help and direct that and encourage you in this.

You walked across a big carpark at 10 months old, you just got up and did it, I stood there like a wally wooping and cheering, desperately looking round for someone else who had seen to share in my enthusiasm. I am afraid I shall probably always be the mummy that does that! You put your mind to something Mitzi, and you DO it. I have watched you going from walking, to running and jumping in weeks. To climbing trees SO high, a dude with a ladder had to come and get you down.

You taught your self to roly poly-to skip-to do handstands-to flip over doing a handstand-to cartwheel. And I assure you, each new thing YOU teach YOURSELF, it’s all you sweetheart, your will power, your skill and your enthusiasm for all that is physical. You have taught yourself too to whistle, at the age of 4 (!) and click your fingers, ride your bike with no ‘little wheels’ again, at 4-years-old. You are highly competitive, but not in the sense that you get in people’s faces, cause hurt and are determined to ‘win’. It’s more a very quiet, competitiveness, observing and appreciating other’s talents, and working out how to emanate them. This I really admire, it’s a strong, rare quality sweetheart, and you will bloom if you maintain this unique, gentle attitude.

I wonder what the future holds for you my angel? I cannot tell you how much I love you, it’s not possible to put it in words, pictures, poems or prose. I try and show you, but sometimes I am tired, I shout, I get it wrong, I scold when I shouldn’t; your sensitive disposition is upset by this at times.

I am sorry for all these times, the times I get, or may get it wrong, the times you feel I do not understand you. I am me, all I can do is my ‘fallible human being’ best, and I will apologise when you feel I have done something wrong.

Mitzi, seize the opportunities, LOVE life, engross yourself in all that is good, follow God’s path with everlasting faith, grit your teeth and put your head down, and brace the storms when you have to, because I am afraid no one is protected from life, and life, although incredible, is HARD sometimes too.

I wish I could keep you beside me always, my perfect little ostrich-eyed angel, my joy, one of my reasons for living.

You are a wonderful, kind, spirited, generous adorable girl Mitzi Joy. I am exceptionally proud to be your mother, me, little me, I am YOUR mummy! Wow, I am lucky. My devotion to you knows no boundaries, my love no limits, my soul, was, from the minute you started to grow in my womb, entwined with yours.

Mitzi with Esmie...

Plunge into life with your determination, your generosity of spirit, your courage and your strength my baby, and you cannot go far wrong.

I love you Mitzi Joy,

Happy 5th Birthday!

Love form Mummy xxxxxxx

Posh was WELL up for it, mouth straight in, whereas Beaks is more reserved and prefers nibbling delicately...

Today I drop kids off one by one, keeping Monty in the car (he has got tummy ache, so off to the doc’s to see if it is something or nothing…I cross my friend and as we are stood there chatting, I see another mummy friend drive by, I wave gaily, ready to slap on the bonnet to laugh and joke with her merrily in the ‘look how sane and on form I am with 4 kids doing the school run in the morning too' , with my kids walking in, one wearing back to front trousers AND t-shirt, one we had forgotten the shoes and another in a t-shirt, it was 13 degrees, not warm enough togs. The other in flip flops (NOT allowed at school), finishing his homework in the back of the car. She drives on by, looking haughty, then I realise, she is looking at me in this way as she has no idea what the f*** just happened, she doesn’t even know who the f*** I am either, and yet I insist on smiling and waving gaily away, ready to slap the bonnet. ‘oh’ I remark to my friend as I realise, ‘I didn’t know her at all actually…’

Good start to the day, but I decided to plough on, although the odds were against me. I have had headaches on and off (like eyes about to pop ones) for the last few weeks, and I had another today. The trip to the Dr’s was for Monty and his hard sore tummy. The Dr prods and pokes, taps and jerks, as only (thankfully not everywhere you go are you subject to this, quick health check before entering the supermarket security dudes/dudettes…Who knows though? In future?) So, as I was saying, as only Drs do. The sum up reveals it’s constipation. Wow that’s a long word, and a proper gross word too. CONSTIPATION. Eeewwwwww nasty. Anyway, my poor boy, I blame it on the school Cantine, I am NOT guilty, for once! He is prescribed a ‘flush it right on out of there’ type medicine. Informing me to give him 3 sachets before bed. This I dutifully do. 20 minutes later, Monty runs down the stairs doubled up holding his little bottom, going ‘oh mum, you know what medicine you gave me?’ ‘Erm, yep?’ ‘Well, I think it’s working!’, and sprints off to the loo. Well, thank god he made it to the loo. And there’s now no more CONSTIPATION problems, I am pleased to report.

Although talking of poo, my new ducklings are reeking havoc. I am back into the ‘borderline OCD mopping’ bracket again. I admit, but admission is the first step to acceptance and resolution no? ‘Hi, my name’s Tamsyn, and I AM a mopaholic’ followed by whoops and cheers and gentle, empathetic pats on the back and ‘supportive’ squeezing of limbs you never even knew existed. Anyway, I do feel justified, as they think they have free range of the garden, the garage AND the house and bedrooms. Ducks poo, like A LOT. And it’s being trailed around by four little feet (and 2 big pairs, mine and Alex’s, although Lola’s not far off my shoe size! Which frequently occurs too, and even after cleaning thoroughly the ‘stamped in s*** again’ bit, spending the ENTIRE rest of the day looking for where the smell of chicken/duck poo is coming from, and realising it’s you) so mopping IS essential. Oh alright, keep them out the house, but you know what, they are too cute! In fact, I went to feed them out of my hands tonight, Posh was WELL up for it, mouth straight in, whereas Beaks is more reserved and prefers nibbling delicately…I’ll train them, you watch. 

It's because my ducks are THIS gorgeous...SO alike, it's the feather colour and the beaks that do it..

Right I am off, I have to prepare for school runs tomorrow, and prepare thoughts for Mitzi’s 5^th birthday, some kind of pretty hearty style cake she wants, her birthday’s Tuesday and my in-laws are here for it.

Have a good day, see you tomorrow,

Tamsyn x *flies around the house on her mop-stick weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, realises using feet to pedal along floor does not constitute flying, publicly humiliates herself*

Thought For The Day...Week 17...

Thinking positively, being positive, is what I wanted to base my Thought For The Day on today, so here is the basis of my Thought For The Day today, positivity!

I actually came across a Swedish proverb this week, and I want you all to hear it because, to me, I think it’s ACE!

“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”

Swedish proverbs.

Have a great Sunday all,

See you tomorrow,

Tamsyn x

'10 Things I Learned From This Week...' Week 10!

1 Making a belligerent 3-year-old spit out the stolen sugar LUMPS (plural) out of her mouth out of principle (well, stealing is stealing), is not worth it, the ‘stick’ (well, stickiness, for those who think I may have beaten it out of her bearing a stick) on the floor was wrong.

2 I am in fact in LOVE with Mr and Mrs Washing-machine, genius couple!

3 I have had headaches, insomnia and racey-heart all week, exhausting! No WORD of a lie.

4 Wishes DO come true!!!! Camille (the love of Monty’s life for the last 3 years), has told him that she has fallen back in love with him, 3 days after he made the wish! *starts wishing, donkeys, lottery, number 5….?!*

5 Life is testing, FULL of ups and downs, lefts and rights, hills and puddles, you just gotta wade on through, climb on up, and believe in your own strength.

6 That my husband is AMAZING! Well, that was already a given, but a reminder to him from time to time does not go amiss….

7 Did you know this? That the dot above the ‘i’ is in fact called a ‘tittle’ and I like that word!

8 Childhood is PRESCIOUS, you only ever have it once, we as parents have the responsibility of making sure it is preserved this way (within our limits!).

9 That I am veering towards a pygmy Shetland pony as apposed to a donkey (my faithfulness wanes… )

10 I love writing my blog, is does absolutely keep me insane, I mean sane.

Well, that's it folks, hope you are far more learned now! See you all tomorrow!

Tamsyn x

‘Good cop, bad cop’ that old chestnut.

We were parked up, and Alex nipped into the shop to grab a few bits on the way home from the beach. It was hot, and with our friend still staying, we took full advantage of the ‘beau temps’ (lovely weather) And had beached it up, it was now late. A Police car drives past super s l o w l y …I clock it, avoid eye contact, guilty , always guilty...Anyway, after 3 fines in the last month, I could do with there being no more, frankly. Lola is in the front of the car, the driver’s seat, we are doing her homework, as we’d only just remembered to do (it’s always everything last minute here). Today, the gods and the donkeys are NOT smiling on me. The Police car parks over the road, the Police men get out, Monty shouts, ‘hey mum, there’s 2 Policemen coming up to the car’ ,‘oh f*****g brilliant’ is my response.

They tap on the car, I smile and do the ‘is there a problem orrifices?’ I mean officers?’ to which they tell me they are looking for the owner of the car I am in, er, well, I am not being funny, but to have stolen the car I am in, well, I would just not have, I’d have at least chosen wisely, not a chicken hoof scratched, burned out gypsy wagon. As if? But I refrain from telling them this and declare I am in fact the proud owner. ‘Would you step out of the vehicle please madame?’ Here we go,  and again, I cry internally this time, ‘oh f*****g briliant’. I step out, and they make me stare long and hard at the wheels that are bald. ‘Oh, so they need hair?’ I ask, trying to lighten the mood. But there’s no lightening their mood, they’re on a mission. ‘That’s 250€ fine and the vehicle stays put till the wheels are changed.’ One of the officers informs me. I very, very, I swear, it was touch and go for a minute, nearly broke down on the spot, like a full on nervous mental breakdown as well. I begin falling to knees to BEG pose, beg like a desperate broken woman, life beaten out of her by chickens and kids and ducks who keep flying away to freedom (lucky bastards, note to self, fashion wings for myself, learn to quack, and p*ss off).. then I realise their scam, they're fully doing the ‘good cop, bad cop’ that old chestnut. The other police dude sees my look of vacant despair, 4 kids running a mock in the car, takes pity and says, well, normally, it’s that, but we’ll give you a second chance, you have 2 weeks to change them, then we’ll come round and check they’re done. I ‘phew’ out loud, ready to plant a smacker on the kind(er) policeman’s lips…I did not, but did thank them for like ages and ages, and gave my address, and the ‘bad cop’ raises his eyebrows and says he’ll be round in 2 weeks…Goodo. But at least we avoided another fine.

I shall bake muffins and display proudly the new tyres (which we will have to pull out of bottoms, maybe I’ll make some, Mac Gyver it), and then never be bothered again by the effing Police...? Well, till the next time.

The man himself....

So work still is not happening, but I am motivated, searching, and studying (doing a TEFL course, which I actually started 2 years ago, so at this rate, by the time I am 88 I should have about covered it). So I just have to be patient, and carry on as I am, and see how it goes. I have also got back into my art in a BIG way recently, it is very cathartic I find, and with the kids back at school, I am able to find an hour here and there to throw myself into it. And it feels good. I am doing something productive, if I cut my own ear off I may even make some money, oh no, actually it wasn’t till he was dead too, so scrap that. And it’s just for me too, so it’s a positive thing.

As we speak, Esmie has stuck some stickers over her teeny baby nipples and her belly-button, she’s slapping her belly button going ‘looook at my boobies and my bewwy button, nah nah nah nah nah...' Well, you win some, you lose some…

Have a Fabulous day all,

See you tomorrow,

Tamsybn x *sees typo, but prefers her name spelt this way, changes it up a bit *

Posh and Beaks have landed...! (quick pic...)

Well, for some reason I have chosen an insane pose a 'check out my cute ducklings' ...seductive one...Although I can assure you it was not deliberate! anyway, there's some other good'uns too, so ignore the seducing and check out our cute new ducklings!!...

It turns out he’d escaped and eaten a neighbour's cock. Nasty.

I nipped round to a friend’s house this morning to have slug down a cuppa and have a quick chat-she’s helping me find work, so it was a ‘time out’ no kids (all at school this morning, yet unguilty moment, as we looked for jobs for me…the search continues, but I’ll get there, softly softly catchy monkey as my old English teacher Mrs Gadd used to say. It stuck, and it’s a bizarre, but handy phrase nonetheless. In all honesty, I do find it difficult not to be ‘doing’ something, I am pretty hard on myself, and rarely let myself just relax. But in reality, how can you with 4 hungry mouths that remind you (in emptying the fridge on a practically daily basis) you need 2 incomes to make life even vaguely possible…

See what goes through their heads-nasty bastards...

Esmie screams, begins jumping up and down in what appears to be the WORST pain she has ever, ever suffered, I run over and discover she has had her foot stung by a nasty bastard wasp. They really are the epitomy of nastyarseness. What are they actuallly there for? Stinging us, fine, being attracted to small defenceless bear foot kids eating sweet stuff, so they can ‘sting. I am NOT alright with this. Bees, bees I am alright with, they make hiney (well, no they don’t, they make honey, but you know, it’s late) at the end of the day, they serve a great purpose, and then side of guilt after they sting just one time. There’s some good karma going on there, they will not come back as a bee again, a donkey, maybe, but a bee, no, they’re moving up, they’re cool. Wasps, fookin’ ‘ell, and my poor baby child has been stung by one. I run with her (me bear foot too, over hard gravel doing the half wincy, half hopping, half jumpy dance over them. I think quickly, grab the sting tranquiliser thingy and rub ruby rub. She, however, is not cured, the bloody thing is not doing its job, then I realise, I had been rubby rub rubbing, with the lid still on. Nice work mum. Anyway, she survived, a piece of chocolate took all the pain away, there’s NOTHING chocolate cannot cure depression, mood swings, stings, grazes…it’s the new homeopathic medicine chez us.

As I am at my friend’s this morning, her neighbour comes in in helpless tears; we discover the reason why, through her sobs. Her dog escaped an hour and a half ago, and she had no idea where he was, we are about to ring the nearest refuge (just in case he’s been ‘handed in’) at this point, THREE police cars turn up, looking for the owner of a Husky, her dog, 6 police men and women step out of their vehicles, looking as important as they feel (and my god the police over here feel important). I do question after whether it was THAT necessary to have 3 cars and 6 men/women…Really? French law enforcers, is it? I didn’t question them though, they all had guns…it turns out he’d escaped and eaten a neighbour's cock. Nasty. But thankfully, the dude was forgiving and said he had plenty, and not to worry. Just a little anecdote about how the French work. Good God. Sort it out France.

Well, I had an extremely busy day, fairly productive, the child benefit people had sent 2 threatening letters telling us if we did not provide a particular document before a particular date, they were cutting off our rights…Alright, maybe fair enough had I literally just not done it, but I went in there IN PERSON 2 months previously to hand it to them, which THEY then lost, hence the re-demand. I was all ‘militant head’ on, and when I was told to wait in the queue (approximately 8 thousand people long), I refused, stood my ground and told them this was the SECOND time I was giving them the document they asked me for, no way was I waiting, I thrust the piece of paper at him telling him if they lost it again this time, then be it on their own heads, I am NOT giving it in again. With that, I leave in a whirlwind, cross, but feeling empowered, I crushed someone administrative in France, a first (and probably a last) but I won! This time. The dude was somewhat gobsmacked, and I am sure his hand was shaking as I thrust the paper at him. Sorry dude *guilt sets in*.

Right, off to tackle another day, prepare mentally for phone calls looking for work, and do s*** loads of washing. I hope Wednesday is a good day for you all, no school today, so Mitzi goes to Gym at 11am too, a fun filled day shall be had by all!

See you tomorrow,

Tamsyn x *drives to child benefit office, posts dog poo through the door, that’ll learn ‘em*

Introducing my :Tuesday Tune...(*ignores tumbleweeds*)

Well, it does say it all in the title, but today, I would like to dedicate this tune to my devoted, amazing, loyal, loving, soul mate...Thank you Alex, for all you are doing and have done for me...

This is for you my angel...


I love you xxx

Polar opposite responses from male and female in times of pain...

I was soooooooo looking forward to my first cuppa this morning. It was one of those ones that you end up scorching your mouth and tongue, but you do NOT give a flying rats arse, coz you damn well NEED it. Anyway, I take a sip, scorch my self internally, third degree internal burns is never what you want to be beginning the day with, especially my days…At this exact moment in time, Alex sneaks up behind me and gives me a giant bear hug, sending the scorching tea flying all over me and the sofa cover I was busy refitting on the sofa, just washed…As if? This was gonna be a good'un today, obviously. 7 am and I am internally scorched, burned tongue, and externally sopping wet and burned, outfit one of the day down, taking OFF the newly fitted on sofa cover to rewash. Oh, whilst I am getting kids ready to go to school.

I know love, that's all I wanted too...

Anyhoo, the day progressed and I in fact, had a reasonably productive day, all things considering. Esmie now goes to school, runs in, smiling, LOVES it! And with 4 kids going to school without clinging onto you like a baby baboon, crying and screaming, school morning run now is a positive joyful experience. I even managed to go to Monty’s school meeting on the right day at the right time. I was on a roll. At the ‘any questions?’ point, I put my hand up, the teacher laughs and says it’s not actually necessary, but you know, old habits die hard, hey?  I express concerns about the language side of things for Monty, we are English, speak only English in the house, and Monty now reads in English. I was thoroughly reassured, when the teacher said you could not tell. Whoopee! Although this year seems to be a very serious year, and the grammatical side of French bypasses me somewhat, I speak it fine, but I have never actually had any grammatical base to go on, so how the hell can I help my son? Well, we shall tackle that when it comes to it, and see what the outcome is…?!

Esmie at Easter time, other happy days...!

I went to my first ever car boot sale in France today, they never seem that appealing, French other peoples’ rejects, can be pretty, erm, special…but I went with a friend nonetheless, and I bought up huge bags of these wooden fish mobiles…since, I keep giving them away, it was an insane impulse buy, can honestly say this, I have NEVER done before. This,  I regret, I am inundated with wooden fish mobiles, with no places to go. So they are getting ‘given’, and to all my friends who have kids’ birthdays coming up…you know what they’re getting.

The other day, Monty walked into a door, no really, he actually did! In real life, and this is actually what he tells people, and I can tell you I have had some ‘oh really?’ comments, quizzing eyed responses. I took my ‘ oooooh my poor baby, ARNICA!’ and cuddle tack, whilst Alex whoops around high fiving him (I was waiting for chest pumps, flinging Monty against the wall and breaking his arms off or something, thankfully, high 5s was as far as it went) going ‘YES! My son has his FIRST black eye! Nice! Put it here boy’. I think Monty was somewhat bemused, and in that moment saw the starkly random polar opposite responses from male and female in times of pain.

There we go, we have our friend staying at the moment, and I have just fed the whole small army I am cooking for, chick pea burgers (honestly, proper good, recipe going up Thursday) potato wedges and cucumber…I had, unfortunately momentarily lost the will to live by the time the ‘oh s**t I have not done a vegetable to go with it…’ moment came, so cucumber it was.

Monday morning approaches, French administration approaches, life goes on, and more stuff will no doubt come up, but I am a lioness, no really, I resemble a small fluffy gerbil, internally, but I am going to be a lioness in my own mind and body roaring around, literally, at school, in the shops, on the roads, roaring I shall be…Think of the kids…

See ya,

Tamsyn x *ROARS loud, in practice, hurts feeble throat, now lost voice, lioness plan, aborted*

Thought For The Day. Week 16...

Now this one I LIKE! I wanted a funny quote today, lift the mood a bit for the day, this I stumbled upon, and here is my Thought For The Day peeps...

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

Whatever you do, don't teach your man how to fish!!




Hope it's a great week for everyone...


Tamsyn x

10 Things I learned From This Week...week 9

You will see the significance of postman Pat and his black and white cat....

As usual, my ’10 things I learned from this week' is based on my week…so here goes…ready steady GO!

1 That love at first sight DOES work-here’s to me and hubby, 10 years on…

2 That we all have free will, we need to be conscious of this, and use it wisely, and considerately of others…

3 We all have the ability to deal with everything, no matter how hard things seem at times, we CAN get through it, DIG DEEP!

4 The kids are knackered being back at school, and this is testing as a parent…

5 Kids come FIRST, we come in a close last place…

6 Did you know that ice cream is in fact Chinese food?? Nope, me neither till this week…

7 That if a child in France does not look like the rest of their siblings, it is said that ‘it’s the Post man’s’ for us Brits, it’s the milk man…

8 That the French too have the phrase ‘take my hat off to you’.

9 That French administration is a complete pile of W**K, it actually contributes to 99 percent of the stress in French people’s lives…well, I made the 99 % up, but it’s a nightmare.

10 The average bra size these days is 36 C…get those chicken fillets out girl…

Now then, that's all folks, see you tomorrow for Thought For The Day...Have a great Saturday...

Tamsyn x

Attention everyone, any crack will do...

Well a fair few questions have been posed this week, and as yet, we have not been able to magic the answers out of our bottom holes. Sorry for the vulgarity, but it is true.

Mitzi, a debutant photographer...she's got talent, no?

I am sat writing this with my dinner on my knee…I was very organised today, began doing a BIG fish pie, all to be ready to eat all together at 6 ish…but my neighbour and her daughter showed up, and it was all over, 6.30pm, she left, leaving me with no dinner prepared and kids covered in mud pie creations. Nice. So a quick picnic tea, raw veg, cheese and bread and butter. That’ll do the trick. Hence Alex and I eating on our knees, him watching, yes, you guessed it, UFC fighting, and me, trying to ignore it and write my blog, necking down carrots and a pie slightly resembling a fish one, but only half done, it’s not raw though, or burned, so we are happy, spoiled even, at the fact I have not destroyed it. The number of dinners I have burned in the name of writing my blog. Sinful, but necessary, I have a crowd (!) to please…

Exactly how I found him before flushing him down the bogalog...

In the middle of the night last night, Mitzi descends, she does this often, and it is, to be honest, becoming a little tiresome. There’s no need, at nearly 5, surely she should be sleeping better than a new born? No? Oh well, *shuts up and gets on with it*. As she walks through the kitchen, we spot a giant cockroach running for it’s life to hide in some kind of crack-attention everyone, any crack will do…I instruct her to fetch me a bunch of loo roll, he’s going down the toilet, as I do with all that I find that poses a danger to orifices, crevices, health in general (except humans, they’re all safe, for the moment…) flushed away  to oblivion, to be recycled, and come out 7 times later as drinking water. Hmmmmmm, not the nicest thought, recycled cockroach water. It was a middle of the night intimate moment with my daughter, and when your intimate moments are flushing cockroaches down the bog at midnight, there, you realise, there must be something up with this…

Bless him, unrequited love at 7-years-old...it's a hard life.

Monty on the way to football training was telling me about his 3 wishes he’d given himself. Had they worked? I asked him. ‘Well no, mum, not yet, it takes 2 days to be fulfilled, so not tomorrow, but the day after Camille (he’s been in love with for 2 years, he’s definitely faithful my son) will be back in love with him (she ‘dumped' him 6 months into the relationship…) And he is very much looking forward to the fact she will be besotted with him again. I did gently prepare him that sometimes they do not come true, wishes, like my winning the lottery and getting a donkey…he understood, but reckons she’ll fall back in love with him on Thursday. So watch this space all…Monty bless, is small, the smallest in his class, and Camille, the tallest, she towers above him, at least 3 heads bigger…but love is love, so who am I to say size matters…?

  

Now listen to this, just before I leave to collect 2 out of 4 kids for lunch: ‘Dingy dangy dong, ringing out your bells, dingy dangy dong, bom bom’ OK, seriously, the French, can you not even make the smallest of efforts? ‘Dingy Dangy f****G dong?’ As if?  And in actual fact, this song is a current fave in France, which just makes it all worse, the chorus (that which I have written above) is in English, the rest in French. Really though, REALLY…?

On that ‘the French pop is utter pants’ note, I am running out the door…

See you tomorrow,

Tamsyn x *turns UP the volume ‘dingy dangy dong ringing out your bells…’ and does a spin and everything to the chorus*

We were not at it for hours.

This will be my attire next time round, I was underdressed.

Sunday was Mitzi’s best friend’s birthday. Several of us mummies set off in convoy 15 minutes away our destination for the day (well, should have been, but standstill traffic due to a car boot sale) meant 45 minutes in hot car with hot SUPER HYPER excited kids, which was …fun. This park we are going to is a huge water inflatable, place with animals, pedalos, all kinds, it’s FUNTASTIC! Well, I tell you this, I rediscovered my lost horsey ride, merry go round (like the ones in Mary Poppins), riding on a very ugly pig train at 1 and a half miles an hour, youth. OK, the metal horses are scary as f***, but SO fun! The park is completely enclosed, and with many mummies, everyone kept an eye on each others’ kids, so at one point my friend and I escaped and went off on a horsey ride! It was mechanical and it went round this track, it was honestly TOO much fun. Galloping away on an electronic horse is HOURS of fun (note to self, buy one, and an aeroplane, and a donkey, the list is mounting), we got 5 rides before the queue of small children crying and pleading with us to let THEM have a go. Oh alright, go on then, we reluctantly demount elegantly (well, more of a tumble, straining 33-year-old hips that have carried too many children over the years, ‘has she been drinking at lunch? shameful’ Whispers in the background, demount). But we gave it up. The merry-go-round was next, with several of our lot in tow, and we woop along, going at a pace a disoriented snail would be proud of, although this is no bad thing, given my history of merry-go-round to the brink of vomiting experiences.

This was the demonstration I and my friend gave the kids...

The kids whizz about, it’s exhausting keeping track of them. At one point, my friend and I spot a bunch of our kids on the trampoline, we decide to join them, as I have said before, if you can’t beat them with tree branches (and we were in public so...) then you join them. And joined they were. For all of 3 jumps, then my friend and I both look at each other and realise why kids are at it for hours, and after having had those kids, trampolining and those pelvic floor exercises that you never did, 3 bounces is WAY enough. We were not at it for hours. So we boing off, although we are doing our best to walk, and sprint to the loos…

Anyway, enough about pelvic floor exercises Monday was school again. I was exhausted when the 6.30 am alarm went off. I kept hitting snooze, THE biggest mistake, you get so caught up in the ‘no, it can’t be, not yet, *snooooooze*’ and then each snooze is never long enough and you end up getting up feeling cheated before you have even begun the day. So a mental fly round, teeth brushed in car en route, school run this morning was less than fun. But on a positive note, Esmie was happy and smiling at her teacher, YEY! She loves me picking her up at 11.30,  and it’s now all smiles, as it’s not long till she sees mummy again. Hoorah. Hippy happy days.

After the way too much fun that was had on Sunday afternoon, Mitzi wakes up 2 or 3 times crying ‘I want to get off, STOP!’ she’s reliving the merry-go-round, bless her. Traumatic scarring stuff… Be warned!

Till tomorrow,

Tamsyn x *ebays 'scary ass but FUN to ride metal horses'*

A thrusting chest...

I have just left Monty under his den practicing his dialogue for the ‘Youtube Monty’s Star Wars Lego Battles’ videos. It’s gonna be quite something, in 4 parts (all marked clearly under his den) so watch this space, he will be debuting on here!  

I learned from him also today that he is working ‘really fast’ at school. To which both Alex and I puff our chests out (Alex’s being alarmingly more ‘thrustsome’ than my own breast dredged kids looking one)…We tell him how glad we are to hear that, and he should be proud of himself. But there’s always a finish to a begun sentence, and the finish to his full sentence went as follows: ‘…that I am getting loads of errors.’ Ah, right, whole different ball game, puffed-out chests *royally popped*. So we say diplomatically, that he’s not to worry, OK, fair enough, work slower and concentrate, thus, more efficiently, but he’s English in a French school, and it’s the first week back, so it’s going to take him a bit to get back into. Always, I cry, hear out the WHOLE sentence, before passing judgement. A lesson learned, a thrusting chest, er, churned… ?

Well Esmie is happy, it seems, with going to school just mornings, so whilst I AM still here to pick her up, I am glad we have reached a nearly happy medium. And when I DO finally start work, I now have a French qualification I am aiming to get, then be able to teach English to kids in Private Schools, she will have to go when she has to go! Until then, they all eat 3 times a week at the cantine, the girls get picked up Friday lunchtime (Monty stays the whole 4 days now, picking 4 kids up from 4 different schools, giving them lunch, clearing up, getting them back to 4 different schools is beyond Shera and the Power of Greyskull’s skills, and my those powers are never there when you need them. So there we go, life moves on, and until we learn to parachute from ‘Mummy flying the Aeroplane’, hovering over each school in turn, and 'Aller, Monty, JUMP! And don't forget to pull the cord' . Hence Friday is the only day now 3 out of 4 kids are picked up.

Me Friday night, taken just before the Parents' evening....

Friday night I am up for a school meeting, mascared up, Alex on kids duty, handbag at the ready, I wait enthusiastically recognising 2 tops hanging on pegs, my son’s already lost property, I continue waiting. Half an hour I wait, wondering if I am in the right place, I spot a teacher and ask them. ‘Oh no, it’s not tonight, it’s next Friday’ Oh brilliant, I am already, after not even one whole week back at school, looking like a complete wally, with no place to go. Goodo, no change there then. I can see the common room discussions now ‘That Monty’s not doing too well is he?’ ‘No, well, have you met the mother? No? well, then you’d see…’

On that note, I am off, after Mitzi coming up to me a bit sad, pouting lips this evening before bed declares she is sad because she ‘would love to grow birds’. Now, if anyone else could shed any light? Answers on a postcard to:

Stupid mothers, at

Burnedoutcar Palace,

Self-employed walking disaster,

Completely not worth visiting street,

Blue donkeys,

France.

That should get straight here, thanks…

See you tomorrow!

Tamsyn x

Thought For The Day. Week 15...

Another Sunday, another week done. My dreams were filled with friends from school last night, vivid dreams, partly in Spanish too, and when I speak not even a word of Spanish, you can imagine how bizzare the whole affair got. 

It's funny how time can change people. I miss very much my good friends back in England, and so quite simply my Thought for the Day this week is based on the theme of friendship...

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

- Walter Winchell

And those friends are very few and very far between...

Now it's off to prepare a picnic, we are off to a huge inflatable park this afternoon for my Mitzi-moo's best mate's Birthday!

See you tomorrow...

Tamsyn x

10 Things I learned From This Week...week 8

Well I couldn't put this up till the rugby had finished, Alex had to watch it on the internet (no working T.V)...So rather late in the day, my '10 Things I Learned From This Week’ this week is based on the theme of my mental life, so here goes...

1 That 3 fines in one week, one for doing 2.5 mph over the limit, one for the back indicator not working, er how the hell am I supposed to know? I am driving, not pushing (thankfully yet) my burned out car, one for forgetting to buy a parking ticket and being fined for that too, is NO fun.

2 That buying an expensive bottle of whiskey for my friend who has taken no payment for the chickens and ducks she has given me, and in handing it to them, not realising the seal on the bottom was not sturdy enough, and it smashing to smitherines and whiskey fumes on their doorstep, is B*****KS.

3 That having a BBQ too close too an open car, covered in chicken hoof scratches, WILL set it on fire, obviously.

4 That turning up for the school meeting with the teacher at my son’s new school, mascared up and ready, waiting on my tod for half and hour for everyone to arrive, then reading the actual date-next Friday, is embarrassing.

5 That I LOVE school time, I love the routine, the communication with the outside world, other bedraggled sent slightly mad, was once sane before kids, dropping their tired, still stuffing down their breakfast with mums brushing hair out of the school gates, I feel not so alone…

6 That I am helplessly in love with my kids and husband, that they are EVERYTHING to me, my whole world.

7 That I am very, very, very tired, and have a very, very, very hectic weekend approaching…

8 That when the dude in the petrol garage looks at you and tells you you should probably get your car seen too, you were only in yesterday weren’t you? Yes, but to be fair, when you only ever have a tenner to scrape together from down the backs of sofas, life’s like that, he is gonna see me regularly, so get over it and stop giving me a complex about my burned out gypsy wagon!

9 That Alex is on the brink of starting rugby-stirring up a ‘lost’ youth…

10 That my Monty, is too excited about going to football today, and I am SO proud of him!

Right, that's it folks, see you all tomorrow, it's blazing hot here today and so we're off for an afternoon at the beach...weyhey!

See ya,

Tamsyn x

A burned top and white bottom...

Scrubbing at a stain on the floor for bloody ages, which turned out to be a shadow, it sets me thinking, sometimes life is full of them, shadows on the floor, that you spend hours of wasted time battling through, and all you end up learning, is that all you can actually do, is deal with it. Get on with the rest of life that is good, which seems in miniscule proportion to the shit that befalls you at times. Whoa, that was deep, and heavy, anyway, about my day…

Wednesday was a day where I went out at 8 am, and did not get back in fully till 6.30 pm and with all the kids in tow, that's a fair length of a day. I popped back by briefly to make a soup and bread for tea, put a few washes on, hang a few out, and OUT, in the car everyone! Again. Mitzi went to her first gymnastics' class today, and LOVED it! Fab, I am so pleased, she is a little monkey (said in that very affectionate, but slightly OMG what is she? Tone) and for her to express herself in this monkey way OUT of the house, can only be a positive thing, so there she was. First gym class, bowling over success.

I pick her up, go straight to the Breaker’s yard to see how much an Espace would be, and buy it with the intention to use all the parts, replacing the burned out, chicken hoof scratched abominability that is, my car. The dude is rude and moody and apparently has a wasp stuck in his tooth, good. That’ll teach him for being totally unnecessarily offensive and dismissing me with his arm and a ‘no, it’s not for sale’, turning his back and walking off. Ok, fine. Next stop garage, the garage dude is a sweetheart, and he advises me on the best course of procedure for the car, which, well, bloody hell, it’s a nightmare. Then it’s onto the shop to order a duck, but I can’t get the same race, as I have NO idea what I am talking about when it comes to ducks, fowl or poultry in general. I can determine a goose from a turkey, but otherwise, nada. He reels off a few races, the dude at the counter, to a crazy, blank looking English woman, and nothing he is saying means ANYTHING to me, not just because I am English this time. I tell him this. Then I did remember they were 'edible' ducks, after the ones plucked, gutted and hanging up at my friends' house, I assume that's why...not just for fun surely, and she's never mentioned a penchant for Taxidermy before. So he yells out to his mate 'they're for eating, Baz',  (I here protest that we are not buying them to eat them, I don't want everyone thinking I am a duck murderer) we reckon we get close to the 'right' race. So we decide it is best to order a male and a female, that way, at least 2 will ‘mix’. We want baby ducks you see…well, I know I say ‘we’ but I mean it in the royalist sense possible…as always!

Then Mitzi moo has her ear specialist appointment, the kids sit patiently, not getting up once from their chairs for 20 minutes in the waiting room, one woman asked me if I had drugged them? I replied I kept a cattle prod in my hand bag…not sure if she knew I was joking, or was I? The upshot is she has to have an analysis on her ear to find out what exactly is the germ causing the ear to be inflamed and full of ooooozing gallons of puss oh, too late, I had told you all I’d put up an ‘attention rank health symptoms' warning before. Oh well. So the operation is small, they get a sample from the inner ear and send it off thus determining the germ and giving her the correct treatment. Man, I hope the course of steroids clears it up before then, then she won’t have to go through that. So there we go, pretty much end of, and I thought I’d chill at the park with them a while…I got in 2 ½ hrs later, hot, tired and Frenched out. I sometimes get Frenched out, when I have a headache/am reeeaaallly tired, my brain prefers not to work, neither in English or French, so chatting away enthusiastically for 2 hours to some friends left me broken, not the kids for once!

So that was refreshing, anyway they are all now as fast asleep as logs/dogs whichever one you use, as they are. And I am off to eat the potato I just got out, wondering why it had a burned top and white bottom, I had accidentally set the cooker to grill, woopdidoop, dinner’s gonna be nice Alex…

See you tomorrow,

Tamsyn x

Emotional...

Emotional, was not the word for Monday. I am fighting a lump in my throat as we speak (me and the voices in my head). It was the ultimate Tempestrian weather, thunder and lightning. I bundled all and the soppiest dog in the world who knows he gets to come on school runs again several time a day, he loves it! Into the burned out car. I quickly fashioned a cover for one seat over the weekend, but with no sewing machine, by hand was lengthy and very like I was a maiden embroidering for pleasure in a rocking chair.. not that I have one (a maiden or a rocking chair...), but you get the gist. So they all wanted that place, but the seatbelt that side was burned to a strip, so they can’t. Why did I bother? I first spent 55 minutes queuing at Lola’s school, the odd EXTREMELY rude ‘oh but I’ve got to get to work’ mother pushing in (yeah, well, I have 4 schools to drop everyone off to in the rain single handed, so P*SS off!)Which I refrained from saying, I smiled meekly, in case they were important mummies in the PTA or something…after she is dropped off, we all run back to the car, get in and go down to Monty’s school, 8.50 was the ‘Rentree’ school time to be there, 9.40 was when we showed up. Monty and I were met with scowls, but when I apologised, soaked through to the skin, explaining the lack of Airoplane and parachutes for the kids, I had to take them all separately to their 4 different schools. She mellowed, good job, I was about ready to lamp someone. Monty runs in, all chuffed to see his friends he has not seen all Summer, with a ‘Salut Maitress, je suis Monty, l’anglais’ (hiya teacher, I am Monty, the English dude) and a ‘see ya tonight, mum, love you’…he’s gone, big school, he is not phased by. Brilliant! 2 down, 2 to go.

Everyday at school last year, Mitzi cried, this year I fear the same, but today, as she is in the ‘big’ class in the Primary school, and as we have been here for nearly 3 years now, I know the teacher well, and the teaching assistant. She too, waltzes in, ignoring the teacher’s ‘ca va, Mitzi?’ I pull her back to answer, realising he’s asked her quietly, she did not hear (ear still oozing, just seen Dr tonight who has referred to the ENT specialist again, poor baby),. Already working, yes! The ‘oh, it’s not her fault, she didn’t hear you’. Anyway, 3, successfully down, the last now…The emotion builds up as we approach, I know her teacher really well, she’s a friend in fact, but not even this is a comfort to Esmie. The teaching assistant is a neighbour, oh, she’s my friend who was duck plucking the other day, my friend who gives me the ducks and chickens (although the sucks (haha, meant to write 'ducks' just reread this too late, 8 hours after I posted it!) have fooked off, and the chickens are nasty ass bastards, but that’s by-the-by), so there we go, I am happy as it’s not completely strange to her. She is inconsolable, and I leave (being told to!) in tears myself.

I have spent the day worrying, dealing with loads of b*llsh*t, which seems to be streaming in in it’s hoards into our letter box and other wise at the moment. I tackle it all, and I follow thought processes through and everything! I am feeling kinda beaten at the moment, we got a parking ticket (took kids to beach COMPLETELY forgot to buy a ticket F***), a speeding fine for going 7 kmh over the limit, and a fine for our back indicator not working, yeah well, have you looked on the INSIDE??? Not only that the work I thought was a definite, seems to be more vague now, and I am feeling a bit lost. Well, I felt a bit lost, then I baked bread, ironed, tidied, hovered, baked mini chocolate cakes for the kids and decided to make my own flyers/carsd, and be my own ‘Teacher of English’ off my own bat. So I got going designing a flyer. It’s s*** for the record, so I am attempting round 2 of designing work tomorrow. I do not want ‘happy kids laughing and learning’ or hands stretched out holding onto each other ‘breaking the language barriers’, maybe I’ll put a donkey on it, well it’ll get their attention…And then I felt a bit better, determining my own future, until my husband gives in to the ‘can we have number 5 yet?’ requests…(do I put an exclamation mark to suggest I am joking?). Esmie cried a lot of the morning, and was in my friend’s arms, then settled down in the afternoon, when I came early to watch them in the playground, she looked at me, waved and looked blankly at me, no smile, no nothing…poor me! I think she thought I had abandoned her, having never been with out me. But the monkey cuddle when I pick her up, makes up for it all…

So there we go, first day back at school, and I missed them terribly, I was SO happy to see all their little growing up faces tonight. I have also pre-prepared a story, for when I get the ‘no, don’t read us a story mummy, tell us one, oh please oh please’ requests later on, I am ready! A fox, a boy, a rabbit warren and a baby rabbit saved…there, that ought to do…

Have a great day all...

Tamsyn x